Zack: You and your companions set off across the countryside towards the last known location of Questlandia. It is a nice day.

Steve: I am wary of danger.

Zack: You encounter a bird chirping suspiciously. It looks to be a Blue Jay.

Steve: I command my henchmen to assail it with their magic as I creep closer in order to use my spear.

Zack: The bird begins calling you fat.

Steve: "Cease your unholy words, bird! I am not fat at all!"

Zack: Trebbelos the baby magician uses his ESP powers to determine the outcome of the battle. "You will lose this one, fatso!"

Steve: I hurl my spear through the bird's accursed breast.

Zack: The spear strikes the tree and sticks into its trunk. The bird flies to a different tree. You can hear it asking if you missed because your fat got in your eyes.

Steve: You win this one, bird, but mark my words, I will be back with more spears and greater ability to throw them.

Zack: The bird is unconvinced.

Steve: We continue on to Questlandia.

Zack: Soon you arrive outside a mountain fortress. As you enter, you see several dead adventurers, their bodies rotting, who have triggered traps and been killed.

Steve: This Joe Rogan is a trapper. What are his methods?

Zack: It appears he has planted dart traps that are laced with DMT, sending each adventurer on their internal death journey to a spiritual realm while their body is left to die. Also spike traps.

Steve: We continue on, but more cautious of mind-altering experiences.

Zack: You want to have your mind altered? Let's talk about the so-called moon landing.

More WTF, D&D!?

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.