Zack: You pass several alcoves containing the bodies of dead adventurers as you travel a long corridor. At the end of this corridor you climb a few steps and discover, at the intersection of hallways, a grisly scene of violence.
Steve: I tell the baby magician not to look at it.
Zack: It's too late. He saw it minutes ago in his mind's eye using his ESP spell. There is a hall running to the left and right, the hall you are in continues past a door on the left and right.
Steve: Open the door on the right.
Zack: It appears to be a dining hall in a state of disrepair. Two chairs stand out from the others. The backs are monogrammed with Joe Rogan on one and a big question mark on the other one. There is a door to the south.Steve: If there's nothing else, I'll have Nikka open the door to the south.
Zack: Smart to soften the "r" on his name. He refuses to open the door, but you do and discover tables, bench-seating and long abandoned kegs and tankards scattered about the room. At the room's center is a marble statue of a naked woman. It is very detailed.
Steve: Nooo! Did baby magician ESP her nudity?
Zack: He tells you to calm down, he's only six months old and babies don't care about nudity. The other kids from the wizard school are going nuts though. They keep making the statue say "hey baby I want to do sex!"
Steve: Is there anything else in the room?
Zack: Let me check my notes from the mega monster table. Yes. There is a black widow spider.
Steve: A giant spider?
Zack: Nope. There is a regular-sized poisonous spider sitting in a cup.Steve: Is it attacking?
Zack: It says, "Hey, baby, you're sooo fat let's do sex!"
Steve: AAah! I am not fat! I am handsome! Throw my spear at it!
Zack: You throw the spear and it knocks over the tankards and everything else on the table.Steve: Did I kill it?
Zack: You don't know. It's about the size of a small bean and it's pretty dark and you just knocked over and broke a bunch of cups.
Steve: I'll search for it.
Zack: You spend several hours searching and do not find the black widow.
Steve: Wait, did I get XP for defeating it?
Steve: Ahhhhhh! Alright, I am going to have the wizards work in shifts and we are going to set up a watch to catch the spider when it comes out from under a plate or wherever it is hiding.
Zack: They absolutely refuse to do this plan.
Steve: Fine. We're going back to the intersection and we'll take the path on the left facing like we just came into the dungeon.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.