This room is filled with holy symbols from many different religions. A mace hangs on the walls between two windows that open onto the surrounding lands. The windows face northwest.Steve: A blasphemous church, the perfect place for my ultimate concert! Where's Charmander?
Zack: A secret door slides open and a figure dressed in fine robes and golden jewelry emerges. He has arched eyebrows and a goatee that he is stroking forebodingly. You presume he is Catharandamus.
Steve: Charmander, I presume?
Zack: "Yes, I am," he answers in a voice as smooth as burnt alters of naked ladies. "I was not expecting to meet such an old man who has been thrashing the goop out of my acolytes. Why have you come here, ancient one?"Steve: Though my bones may be ancient, I think you'll find my music is as fresh as ever.
Zack: "Wait!" interjects Catharandamus as you poise your pick. "I think there has been some misunderstanding, rocker man. I wish no harm onto you and neither do my acolytes or my beautiful assistant, Aliegha." As he speaks these words four acolytes and a really hot babe in a suit of armor fitted for maximum sexiness and with no regard to function emerge through the secret door.
Steve: You think I can't hold a full concert? I've played Lolapalooza twice. I've rocked out Glastonbury. Five dudes and a super fine babe looking hotter than an azure bond? No problem.
Zack: The woman draws her sword, but says, "Join us and you can rock out with Catharandamus instead of against him!"Steve: I'm tempted, babe. Too bad you picked the wrong side. Unfortunately I have proof that Charmander here is a crazed molester cult leader. I found these letters on the corpses of some acolytes that mysteriously died. Proof that he is a molester man!
Zack: "No!" cries Catharandamus. He begins to cast a mighty spell to smite you with. His hot babe comrade and the acolytes prepare to attack.Steve: Too bad I am poised to destroy some speaker stacks with the mightiest riffs heard since the last riffs I rocked out. I launch straight into the fastest, meanest solo from Charmander's Unholy Touching Secret. Reduce them to puddles, Lost Ark style.
Zack: The magic dies with Catharandamus and his allies as the strains of your song rip through their bodies and reduce them to withered corpses screaming for peace. They collapse into crumbling piles.Steve: Ultimate guitarist on hottest guitar playing thrashingest song. They never had a chance.
This is very real. As an insider I possess damning evidence that could utterly destroy Something Awful. This website has many enemies who appear to be coming to power in the United States. They probably have lots of money at their disposal, and I could really use some.
Don't let the winter dryness destroy your sinuses.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.