Zack: A little bit of preface on this one. The neogi are a race of spider aliens that are feared by most races as slavers and devourers of sentient races. They have extremely powerful vessels and the ability to mind control lesser races like umber hulks to provide their foot soldiers.
Steve: Stardate Supplemental. Have defeated ten gnocchi battle cruisers. Burning spider pastas fill space. Their empire is crumbling because of my strategic genius. Several maneuvers have been named after me in and out of the bedroom. The space rivers run orangeish with vodka sauce.
Zack: None of these things happened. Turbo Clam has been experiencing sailing breakdowns and you are forced to stop and fix her. As Scotty is endeavoring to repair your ship you spot a neogi vessel drifting towards you. It appears to be heavily damaged and without power.Steve: Looks like a wreck from my last triumph over the neogeo scum. I demand their surrender.
Zack: You perform a semaphore sequence demanding their surrender, but you do not receive an answer.
Steve: Open fire on these insolent fools!
Zack: Your catapults and ballistae further wreck the wreck. It's apparently on fire now.
Steve: We'll see about that. Eyehura! Prismatic spray them!
Zack: Prismatic beams spring from her eye stalks and rake ruin across the drifting neogi ship. It is breaking apart under the damage.
Steve: Good! Keep it up! These fools will learn their lesson!
Zack: The ship finally breaks into several pieces. You can see corpses drifting out of the broken-down ship.
Steve: Typist snakes!
Zack: You recognize them as syllix, an aggressive race of salamander-like aliens.
Steve: I should have taken them prisoner! I could have learned the location of their homeworld and exterminated them!
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.