Zack: The barnacles react like stepped-on tubes of toothpaste! As you approach one of your totally un-hilarious red shirt warriors is seized by the tentacles of several barnacles and torn limb from limb.
Steve: This is why we can't have nice crews!
Zack: "Auaugugugh!" cries Gump. "What go on back on me back?"
Steve: You've got a bad case of evil back bananas, my enormous friend. Nothing our lasers can't handle.
Steve: Bolt guns.
Zack: You also have some magic.
Steve: Ah, yes, magic. The poor man's berzerker rage. Alright, Spocklore is applying the cold logic of her half-elf mind to the situation. Obviously since I had a Plantar wart on my foot frozen off ice should work to remove these freeloaders.
Zack: Spocklore casts a cone of cold and successfully freezes off the barnacle monsters. Their cracked shells and iced tentacles drift off into space. "Feel better! Now get off plants on shoulder!" Gump gestures with a gigantic hand. You see a small forest of thorny trees.Steve: If I know anything about space it's that space is cold, so a plant that evolved in space is sure to be impervious to Spocklore's icy powers. The only way we can beat these sinister trees is by outsmarting them with fireballs.
Zack: As you approach to a good fireballing angle the trees suddenly launch a hurricane of thorns that cause painful lacerations. Everybody takes a point of damage. You are all knocked over a moment later as Gump shrugs his shoulders and wonders, "Who tickle me?"
Steve: Don't worry your pretty gigantic head, Gump. I haven't been beaten by a tree in years. They may not teach this scenario at Spelljammer Academy, but I come equipped with the most powerful scenario of all: the human brain scenario. Alright, I'm telling Dr. Femurs to stitch together that soldier the barnacles killed and turn him into a zombie.
Zack: It takes several minutes, but Dr. Femurs reanimates the dead body of your security red shirt.Steve: March single file behind the zombie to a good fireballing position, then cry havoc and let slip the fireballs of war.
Zack: A fireball successfully incinerates the trees. Gump sighs with relief and returns you to your ship. As a reward for your good deed you are given his most valuable treasure: a giant jellybean.
Steve: As we roll the bean onto our ship I am telling Gump if we meet again we meet as enemies.
Zack: He laughs heartily and drifts off into space.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.