Tuesday, January 6th 2009
Experiment: Threw a rock at a stray cat (looked like a Calico, but it might have had a different name).
Result: The cat made a surprised sound and ran away. Possible confirmation of Carson's Unified Cat Theory???
Wednesday, January 7th 2009
Experiment: Threw a rock at the sun.
Result: Completely missed. Forgot to take the Earth's rotation into account. Untold damage inflicted upon the surface of the moon.
Friday, January 9th 2009
Experiment: Threw a rock into a crowd of smug elitists gathered around the salad bar at the International Scientist Banquet.
Result: Heard several shouts of "Hey, watch it!" and "What the?", and was met with a lot of unpleasant looks. Not the positive result I was expecting, which leads me to believe the experiment is flawed. Perhaps I need to use a larger rock at the next banquet.
Saturday, January 10th 2009
Experiment: Threw a rock down a wishing well.
Result: Got what I wished for, only it was covered in rock. Took it to get appraised, discovered it was worth exactly one cent less than the version I would have gotten if I had wished with a penny. The more I think about the math behind that, the more uncomfortable I feel.
Sunday, January 11th 2009
Experiment: Placed a beaker full of rocks over a Bunsen burner for exactly twenty minutes, placed the results on a slide and set them up under an electron microscope, then threw a rock at the microscope.
Result: Kicked out of the university's lab. For good this time, or so they said.
Tuesday, January 13th 2009
Experiment: Threw a rock at the visage of Russell Brand, as it appeared on my television during the USA network's "Character Of The Month" spotlight.
Result: The rock phased out of existence a few feet from Brand's face, as all the others have. At the exact same moment, the man's image somehow seemed to become more powerful and even less funny.
Thursday, January 15th 2009
Experiment: Threw a rock at a mysterious box labeled GAGGLE OF GEESE - THIS SIDE SOUTH - FRAGILE!
Saturday, January 17th 2009
Experiment: Threw a rock at a No Throwing Rocks Zone sign that appeared in my neighborhood, at the end of my driveway, facing my house.
Result: Was able to launch the rock without any noticable difficulty, proving the zone was completely ineffective.
Sunday, January 18th 2009
Experiment: Threw a rock at a pile of rocks.
Result: Lost my damn rock.
Monday, January 19th 2009
Experiment: Threw a rock at a storefront window during a protest.
Result: Every single person whose beliefs differed from mine realized the infallible nature of my logic, and felt ashamed for their behavior.
Wednesday, January 21st 2009
Experiment: Threw a rock at the target on one of those dunk tanks at the county fair.
Result: Unlocked the underlying formula of the Theory Of Everything.
Friday, January 23rd 2009
Experiment: Threw a rock at a bag of Twizzlers that had been purchased at a movie theater.
Result: The bag did not burst into flames, proving once again why theater candy comes at a premium.
Saturday, January 24th 2009
Experiment: Threw a rock into a time-space wormhole, directly at the back of a figure who looked an awful lot like me in the near future, sitting at a desk and typing.
Result: The wormhole closed before I could see what happe- AH, SHIT! I forgot the oven! My fish sticks are burning!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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