Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 19:57:05 +0000
Subject: Accept Credit Cards Today!
UK MERCHANT ACCOUNT DRIVE
Get paid online via Credit Card!
Close Impulse Sales
Almost Guaranteed Acceptability!
No Extra Fees!
Full Secure Server!
"IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A MERCHANT ACCOUNT, YOU WILL LOSE"
That statement is Internet Scripture and any advertiser will agree.
The great thing is now you can have one within 72 hours even though you are a home based business, even though you are not receiving a high income, and even though you might only have one product. This is the small person gateway to credibility and increased sales
Check out the website either through that link, or through a local copy. It's amusing because every single picture is a broken link (or at least it was when I visited it), the site has nothing to do with the content of the email, and "John's Doorway" doesn't look like it could accept credit cards even if it offered something people could buy.
From: "Ed Baker"
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 12:57:03 -0800
Subject: Your website
Thank you for your Internet Scripture. I have looked at your website and I am very much interested in joining your great service! I don't want "to lose"! I have started up a websight that I feel will be very helpful to the British public. My website is called "Stoplight.com" (I don't have that domain yet) and is at http://www.somethingawful.com/stoplight/ . I use this page to keep the public updated and informed of the current color of the stoplight outside my apartment. People could use this information to plan their routes to work / home / the store / etc. When my site become popular enough, I plan on expanding this to cover many other stoplights at many other streets (my friend Alex said he'd help out and report on the stoplight near his inlaw's house).
Please get back to me with more information, as I am very excited at the prospect of joining your sight.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
Our Something Awful email pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these email pranks are all - unfortunately - real.