But no doubt about it... You GOTTA check the site out!!! It's so damn horrible.
From: [email protected]
Subject: SLACK IS READY TO MAKE YOU LOTS OF MONEY!!...LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN!!!
Hello, I am very proud to present the band I manage, SLACK, and submit their "CYBER PRESS KIT" for your perusal....
The site contains all neccessary info about the band....including REALAUDIO samples of their NEW CD entitled "ALIENATED"..as well as samples of their first CD "NE PLUS ULTRA"
With their first release, "Ne Plus Ultra," SLACK charted on FMQB at #45. The review of SLACK's CD in the "Metal Monsters" section stated, "...try the 3rd track, 'First Kill.' The detuned riffage of that song, along with their skewed take on Gary Numan's 'Cars' make this rough-edged demo disc a trip worth taking."
The "Rock on the Rise" section of "Metal Edge" asked the question,"What would happen if White Zombie, Ministry and Machine Head spawned a 5-headed metallic beast?" and then suggested that their readers "...check out SLACK, whose debut CD, 'Ne Plus Ultra,' offers some of the best metal this side of the 21st century."
SLACK charted on Rebel Radio in March, 1998 at #33, above Incubus, Clutch, Limp Bizkit, Coal Chamber, Orange 9mm, Deftones and Napalm Death. They also charted in Canada at #2 in early 1998, second to UFO.
All this success has been achieved without professional promotion or support. SLACK HAS DONE THIS ON THEIR OWN, and they have done it well. Not only has their fan base grown tremendously, but their internet fan base has grown to the point that fans attend shows in other states having only heard SLACK via their web site.
Through their self-promotion and constantly increasing fan base, the sales of their first CD are nearing the 1,000 mark.
Please listen to the REALAUDIO samples on the "TASTE OF SLACK" page on the website, and read the accompanying promo material on the site...It's very informative and entertaining.....
Click on the blue area here to go directly to the site, or go to:
SLACK will definitely be an asset to your label.
Laura Pittman Manager SLACK
From: ARC Inc.
Subject: I WOULD LIKE SLACK TO MAKE ME MONEY!
I went to the SLACK website as was instructed. Man, the 80 point font sure made it easy on the eyes to read. It was kinda like the intro to "Star Wars" with those humongous block letters, except I had to scroll the screen down after every word and I don't believe Star Wars elected to capitalize each letter in every word. I also liked how you changed the colors of important words such as "LYRICS" and "HOWEVER". It helps me to remember those highlighted parts when I think about the SLACK website (ie: "Man, where can I buy a SLACK CD? Oh yeah, now I remember! "RIGHT HERE").
The band member photos were wonderful as well. I like how you put them in a "prisoner" motif, like "in an ideal world, these people would be in jail." But what's that on top of Michael Bailey's head? It appears a spider is attempting to engulf him from above. Better grab the Raid all you fellow SLACK members. And it says there that John Swayne has been charged with seven counts of "cyber electronic espionage"? What's that, like sending an email under a false return address? George Carmen looks like that guy on the corner of Broadway and 17th that asks for "spare" change. I don't think you should take his picture while his "3RD EYE OPENING" is going on, if you catch my drift. Peter "Petey" Swan looks ok, although he seems to have bigger breasts in his profile pic. Larry Martins has his little "Trent Reznor Evil" look going on, with the main difference being Trent doesn't look like a large buffalo pelt just fell onto his head.
OK, so I LISTENED LISTENED LISTENED!!! to some Real Audio SLACK tunes for some "SONIC, SUBLIMINAL ONSLAUGHT". I must say I was blown away! It was kinda like what I felt like 10 years ago, when I first heard some of my grade school friends cover a Metallica song for the first time, played on a cassette over the telephone. And those lyrics really are thought inspiring. Let's take a look at the lyrics from "Fist":
"Verbal devistation... can RIP between lips." (I've seen that once in a movie, I think Lou Diamond Phillips was in it)
"Tear through fascade," (Fascade? Isn't that the dishwashing liquid?)
"Wrench the HEART" (Why? Is it leaking oil?)
"IMPALE THE SOUL!!" (After wrenching the heart? Isn't that counter-productive?)
"Bone crushing syllables" (Which ones would those be? How about the syllable "-cal"?)
"Render helpless flesh" (Better than rendering helpFUL flesh, I guess)
"POMPOUS! FETAL LUMP!" (I have never met a pompous fetal lump, sorry)
"Compressed and without balance." (Jeez, get an Alesis 3630 compressor and a 12R. They're cheap)
"Slice the box and Part the sides and Look inside!" (Naw, those Crackerjack prizes always suck)
"HOLLOW-GUTTED-PUPPET-THAT WAS-ONCE A-VISCIOUS-GENIUS (2X)" (Can't hollow gutted puppets STILL be "viscious geniuses"?)
"I DON'T KNOW YOU ANYMORE." (My bio isn't up yet, sorry)
"We used to go round for round" (Actually, I don't think I've met you)
"Your scalpel tongue slicing my Paper pride." (No, I certainly would've remembered THAT!)
"My hammer mind smashing thru Your plaster walls..." (Oh, I get it. I see the rock, paper, scissor motif going here)
"Now a helpless GOD." (With helpless flesh maybe?)
So how much money has SLACK made me so far? A hundred bucks? A thousand? What do I have to do for SLACK to make me money? I followed your instructions, and my bank account still has the same amount in it as it did before. I'll call again tomorrow morning, just in case.
Please respond, I look forward to SLACK making me money!
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Our Something Awful email pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these email pranks are all - unfortunately - real.