Dr. Thorpe: Well, this costume really has nothing to recommend it.
Zack: It's officially branded. Which, uh, I guess is a great way to know just how far TMNT brand value has slipped. They'll stamp the logo on any piece of cardboard. Seriously, this costume is so bad I think it's making fun of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Dr. Thorpe: And the photo is so bad it's like it's making fun of the costume. I wonder if the website's description of the costume just says "yeah right."
Zack: "Heh." I've seen Police Officer Action Dress-Up kits for kids at the dollar store that had more convincing outfits and those were just vinyl tunics with police badges printed on them.
Dr. Thorpe: It really is amazing how far below adequate this is. Who could possibly see this photograph and be inspired to buy this thing? This photo could inspire someone to just go "fuck it, I'm skipping Halloween this year."
Zack: Yeah, this is the kind of costume there would be like 50 of if you went to the costume store the day before Halloween. Even people shopping for ironic costumes like Teletubbies or something would be too ashamed to wear it.
Dr. Thorpe: If you and your girlfriend go to the Halloween Boo-tique really really late, you'd pretty much be stuck with this thing and the Statue of Liberty costume.
Zack: It's the kind of costume you only get if your friend is too lazy to get one for a party and he's just like "here's ten bucks, go get me a mask or something" and this one is like 4 for a dollar and you just want to buy some beer with his money. "Fuck him, he can be a ninja turtle, I want a case of Natural Light"
Dr. Thorpe: Even if you didn't buy beer and gave him $9.75 in change, he'd go "what the hell is this? I said I didn't care, but come on!"
Zack: Man, if you ever wear this to a party and run into someone with the same costume that's like the perfect moment to form a suicide pact. "Oh, you don't have anything left to live for either? Want to go outside and asphyxiate in my car with me?" While the two girls in the elaborate Cleopatra costumes are making out on the couch in the living room for attention the two bargain ninja turtles quietly slink away to the garage and hook a hose up to the exhaust.
Dr. Thorpe: Some asshole like No Shit Sherlock would probably find you and try to be a big hero by saving you, though. And then he'd pretend like he was your best friend, and he'd convince the wet t-shirt costume girl to go home with him because he really doesn't want to be alone right now.
Zack: Fucking No Shit Sherlock. I hate that guy. If we ever get our prank TV show then he is the first dude I am targeting.
Dr. Thorpe: Our prank should involve him getting eaten by a mountain lion.
Zack: Or maybe framed for leaving an ice cream cone baby to be eaten by a lion.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.