Dr. Thorpe: They're all having a laugh because some prankster with scissors cut off their ties while they weren't looking. Except the smug guy on the right with the fractal tie, because no scissors in the world can penetrate a fractal tie. If you try to cut a fractal tie you just get electrocuted.

Zack: I think you'll end up with some sort of creeping bubous that slowly transforms you into wallpaper. That was back when rumpus rooms were a form of leper colony for the badly diseased fashionista. Actually, I think this is the Urban Cowboy second string. These guys are the ones who end up having sex with the female equivalent of Paul.

Dr. Thorpe: People might think we're mocking the disabled, but these are stories that need to be told. Everyone's afraid to talk about how creepy disabled people can be with their sexual needs and their unflappable happiness.

Zack: Yeah, people normally get a bunch of propaganda. A real one-sided story about the disabled and their powerful willpower and strength to persevere, but if they're really human then we have to reflect on the fact that they are also sort of like monsters. Not dangerous ones, you know, but like a ghost or something.

Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, they mill around, they weep and wail, they rattle their chains, they freak you out, and sometimes they try to have sex with you.

Zack: They'll also be there for you if you need to learn a lesson about holiday generosity. That said, even someone like Helen Keller would be able to sense the wrongness of these ties.

Dr. Thorpe: This picture is kind of fascinating to me because the guy in the middle is kind of goofy looking, and he knows it. He's standing between these two Adonises, and he knows he's not really supposed to be there.

Zack: He's got a great head of Republican hair though, I'll give him that. I'd confirm his Supreme Court position. Abortion, hell, I don't care if he doesn't want women to be able to drink soda anymore if he's got hair like that.

Dr. Thorpe: And he keeps getting these thoughts in the back of his mind like "is this picture going to have some caption on it that'll be a joke at my expense? Like 'Waldorf Ties: They'll Even Make Your Ugly Friend Look Good?'"

Zack: Or maybe "Waldorf Ties: look good not getting the joke."

Dr. Thorpe: I mean, the guy's cute enough, but you can tell he's totally insecure about being a model. He might be the most decent-looking guy at the bus stop, but around other male models he just feels like Quasimodo. So he stands around looking nervous, and when somebody cracks a great joke, he's too preoccupied to get it, so he just looks like an idiot standing there going "what?" while everyone else is cracking up.

Zack: Cute? Cute? I don't even know you anymore, Dr. Thorpe.

Dr. Thorpe: Well, you still do, in the Biblical sense. (i.e. "with a long beard and a list of commandments from God")

Zack: Well, thank God for that anyway. I just hope granting me the power doesn't somehow detract from his ability to resist rods, staves and wands.

More Fashion SWAT

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2018 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.