Whenever something happens in football, all of Chicago turns its attention to former Chicago Bears head coach Mike Ditka to get his opinion. Coach recently weighed in on the controversy surrounding the name of the Washington Redskins, saying among other things that the controversy was "so much horseshit it's incredible." The Redskins aren't the only the team name that Ditka has an opinion about and he isn't holding back.
The Packers (NFL)
I'd just as soon do a number two in the middle of Lambeau as say "Packers" ever again. No need to break out the TP. Trestman has figured out how to take a shit in Green Bay. Guy looks like he worked on the Manhattan project. He am become last place D in the NFC. He coached a team in Canada - Canada! - named after a frigging ballet move. What happened, Chicago? Christ. I'm gonna have another stroke if I keep thinking about him.
The Raiders (NFL)
We've got to support the police. There are thugs out there with guns hidden in their saggy pants. Pick up your damn pants! That's why we need a tank.
The 49ers (NFL)
Ehhhhhhhh. You can change this one. Frankly I think it's sick. Who even does that? I've heard of a 69 and a 99. Even a 39 if you can find the right gal. A 49? Leave it to San Francisco.
The 12th Man ain't even human. That's not legal. Get that out of here.The Seahawks (NFL)
That's one way to get by the liberal nonsense. Just make up an animal. Do these things eat Rock Lobsters? Get over it. Idiots.
The Giants (NFL & MLB)
They can call each other "giants" but we have to call them "enlarged people" or something. That's how it works. They start out simple and then they just want to torture you, make you bend over backwards so you don't hurt any feelings. Before you know it, up is down, men are getting married to each other, and the Jets are hosting a Super Bowl.
The Marlins (MLB)
Sure, you can call them Marlins. That's fine. But call them that other name one time and suddenly you're dropping napalm at Kham Duc. What are the rules? They change every five minutes. Jesus Christ. I can't make this shit up.
The Orioles (MLB)
What's that? An Oriole? I haven't even heard those people called that for years. That's more racist than Redskins. Don't let Jazzy Jackson hear that one, oh man. There'll be a Youtube going in no time.
How come there are no riots in the streets over this one? Here's a hint: racism isn't real.The Celtics (NBA)
Oh, yeah, sure, you can give a team an offensive name if it's a white people name. Can you imagine calling a team the Zulus? Barack Obama would be holding a beer summit over that one. Shoulda ran in 2004 and made that idiot clown show me his birth certificate.
The Nuggets (NBA)
You said it not me. Can you print that? Holy moly. The PC brigade is gonna string you up for saying that one.
The Knicks (NBA)
That's a good one. I like it. It's short and to the point and most people don't remember it's what we used to call the Chinese. You can get away with this one still. It's about history.
The Dream (WNBA)
What is that? You're joking. That's a team name? These broads need to cut back on the Lunesta and work on their fundamentals. I can sink more three pointers than these amazons. Maybe have them play in skirts and high heels. Then I'll watch. No thanks.
Alright. That's enough of them. Bye.
Nightwatch Brigade Insignia: Awarded for hiding in a coat closet and watching God's Not Dead, God's Not Dead 2, and Last Man Standing on a 1980s-era portable tv every night instead of sleeping
Why you honk and how it’s misinterpreted.
If you think Hitler was good, you've got another thing coming.
These tips are guaranteed to work. Nearly every time.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.