In SA's last interview with the Gabe Newell Simulation Device, we were treated to a basic overview highlighting the brand new, highly touted technology of PowerPlay, the joint venture of Cisco, Valve Software, and a handful of other software companies. While the interview did a very good job of informing the public as to what PowerPlay is, it did not really go into much depth regarding the technology behind it.
We recently called Gabe Newell, inquiring about the technology / hardware concerns behind the promises that PowerPlay will "make modem gaming feel like gaming on a LAN." Unfortunately, a representative from Valve Software informed us that "Gabe's out. He went to get lunch." When we asked what time he'd be in, the receptionist starting speaking in Japanese and then some fire alarms went off and the phone was disconnected. So, once again, SA has utilized the State Og Gabe Newell Simulation Device to grab another great interview. We promise that this article will clear any doubts / suspicions you may have regarding the technology behind PowerPlay once and for all.
SA: Thank you for agreeing to interview with us again, Gabe. I'd like to get right to the questions; won't the costs of having to upgrade equipment and software at every turn on the Internet to conform to PowerPlay standards outweigh the benefits? Would lag-free gaming be worth the $80+ a month ISPs would invariably have to charge to make up for their lost costs in gear upgrade?
SA: Oh... yes... that was helpful... thank you Gabe... Umm, anyway, how much equipment would have to be changed in the typical ISP to take advantage of PP? What would motivate ISPs to actually do this? Will all upcoming games have to comply to PP outgoing data packet standards for multiplay?
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: Once again, great question. While vacationing at Cisco, the engineers and I diagrammed the hardware upgrade hierarchy needed to support PowerPlay. This diagram details in what exact ways the existing backbone of the Internet will have to be modified. Please take a look at it.
SA: Yes Gabe... PowerPlay is the best, PowerPlay is my lord, Gabe... I will fight and die for PowerPlay. Gabe Newell, please Gabe Newell, tell me how will this system work, praise be to PowerPlay...?
SA: Must kill for PowerPlay. PowerPlay will help me regain hair, make my penis longer, and whiten my teeth. PowerPlay loves me like nobody else does. PowerPlay knows all my secrets and loves me for who I am. Must kill for PowerPlay!
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: And look for Valve's new team-based "Blair Witch Project" game! Players must choose from classes of map readers, idiot girls, and camera jerks to defeat an army of enemy witches! Features mesh modeling, exclusive level-of-detail effects, and a map with the actual run down, shitty house at the end!
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
Should you call someone a Nazi? The answer will surprise you.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.