First off let me say this: I don't know Betty Grable and I don't know nothing about her. However, that doesn't mean I can't have my opinions about her giant, fat, bloated, egotistical head. Just because I don't got any pictures of the time she threw her kids out of the back of her station wagon moving at 70 miles an hour down the I-48 doesn't mean she DIDN'T do it. I know what I see, and she shoved her kids out the back of that car. If the Police wouldn't have stopped me for swerving all over the lanes, I would've tailed her ass home and asked her what the hell she was doing. Oh yeah, and before you ask, that bottle of Jack Daniels that the cops found beneath my driver's seat came with the car. I wasn't drinking that night, you can ask Len Briggs. I just had a few shots of whisky cause Len lost his job at the paper factory to some college punk.
So anyway the PTA had a meeting at the East Appleton Gym and I wasn't invited. They said it was because I don't have any kids but I know that's not the real reason why. A couple years ago I saw Frank Benning's kids poking around my bushes late one night. Now I was pissed as all hell because I just spent a couple months getting those bushes looking as good as they are. My house is built on this crazy ass kind of clay or rock or tar or some shit that keeps my plants from growing, so I had to get some of the fancy dirt from the Mulch Hut down on 19th Street. I spent a couple months taking care of those bushes and trimming them every damn day, so I'm not just going to let a couple kids play "Hide the Salami" on my property. Anyway I take my baseball bat and run out onto my porch and throw a lamp at those little retards and shout, "Get the hell off my property you little bastards!" and I start hitting the side of the garage with my bat. The idiot kids run away and you know what? The next day my bushes started dying! Coincidence? You better believe your ass it wasn't. Those kids were screwing around with my bushes and they planted some kind of secret crazy chemical into them, I know it. So I grab my bat and head over to Benning's house and start lecturing him about his little hooligan juvenile delinquints and how I was going to file a complaint in court if I ever saw his snotty kids around my property. Frank starts stammering like a damned halfwit and says something like, "My kids have been on vacation at camp in Maine for two weeks! Those weren't my kids on your property!" and I then I knew where his kids got their chickenshit gene from. So I push him aside and bust into his living room where I start beating the unholy snot out of his sofa with my bat. Then the Police came and, you guessed it, your old buddy Cliffy ends up spending another night in the slammer. This community has gone down the drain.
So anyway I want to be president of the PTA. These little bastard kids running all around the place need to be tamed like the animals they are. Kids aren't getting disciplined these days because everybody's all touchy-feely and are afraid of offending the Politically Correct army of namby pampy Liberal lapdogs. These kids need to learn manners and I'm the guy to teach it to them. So I went to the PTA meeting and the damn Police wouldn't let me in, so I started shouting and left. Then I took a potted plant and threw it through the window and drove away. That's my calling card. But I got plans for the PTA and how to reform these little hellbent bastards East Appleton calls their "kids". Here they are:
1) Curfew is in effect for all children aged below 28. The curfew will be from 4pm to 10am. On Sundays the curfew will be all day. If any kids are spotted in public during curfew times, Police will be able to turn firehoses on them and shoot them with tear gas. Any repeat offender will be given community service and will have to mow my lawn for a few months but they'd better stay the hell away from my bushes.
2) Driving age will be raised to 30. Kids can't drive worth a crap these days, and many of them have such shitty driving skills that they can barely get the hell out of my way when I'm taking the patented "Cliff Yablonski Shortcut" down the wrong way of the one-way street on Patterson Avenue. Any kids aged 30-40 will have to put a gigantic yellow bumper sticker on their vehicle that says, "Clear The Streets, I'm a Dumbass."
3) Topics taught in school will be: math, reading, spelling, American history I, American history II, American history III, The Korean War, The Vietnam War, Military Training, Military History, and some kind of course about boxing. The girls will be taught how to cook instead of boxing. Boys can take the cooking class if they want to, but all the other kids get to use them as a punching bag in their boxing courses.
4) Christmas vacation will be shortened to a half day off school. There's no reason this town should be full of these little pissants running around like hoodlums just because it's Jesus Christ's birthday. Oh yeah, and the local station should stop playing all that Christmas special crap because God knows I'm sick to death of all that shit. Oh yay, little Jimmy found his mother on Christmas, whoop-dee-doo. I had my hip replaced one Christmas and you don't see me making a special about "The Miracle Cliff Yablonski Hip Replacement Christmas Saga" for NBC. Not that they wouldn't buy the rights for it. Because I'm a damn fine writer.
5) All kids in school will be given a gun so if some nutjob wacko starts shooting up the place, the other kids will be able to defend themselves. It's their right to own a handgun. It's the 8th Amendment or something.
6) Teachers will be able to paddle the kids when they act up. Hell, I'll make paddling mandatory so every single kid gets swatted when they walk into class. At the end of the day, the good kids will have only been beaten six times and the bad kids will have an ass so sore that they won't be able to sit down for a week.
7) Since those little shits think pulling the fire alarm is a "cool" practical joke, all fire alarms in the school will shoot out a cloud of mace whenever pulled. That should teach em to joke about fire safety.
8) Anybody spotted anywhere NEAR my bushes is expelled.Permanently. They're shipped off to boot camp where the army will make a man out of them and teach them to respect other people's property.
9) The school needs some robots that patrol the hallways for kids jacking around. I'm not talking about robots armed with guns or anything, but ones that shoot electricity or something that will just knock em out them for a few days. I know they make robots to do that kind of crap so why don't they put them in school? I don't see any problem with that. I'm sure companies would love to test out their new technology on those little idiots in school.
10) All computers will be taken out of school. I know all these kids are acting like bastards because of the Internet. It drives them nuts because all it shows is sex and violence and shit like that. So since my congressman keeps ignoring all the letters I send him about dismantling the Internet, we should toss out all the computers. And calculators too because it's just a matter of time before they can connect to the Internet and download numbers and shit off it.
So that's my plan. I don't know what the hell Betty Grable has planned for the PTA, but if it's anything like her horrendous cooking, it'll suck. HARD. That's why I need you dirtbags to vote for me as the East Appleton PTA School District President. I swear I'll have the kids in this rathole town whipped into shape like nobody's business. Before you know it, this town will be running like a greased gear, and I won't have to spend all day sitting on my porch with my shotgun, guarding my bushes.
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
Find out how to protect you and your loved ones with convenient tips about nature's slowest and most uncommon killer.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.