I'm mostly into the tune that comes out of that thing hanging above my bed. You know, the thing with all the arms, and the shapes, and the spinning that makes my eyes wobble.

The music is playful and inviting. It has an artificial quality that I find ethereal and challenging. You wouldn't believe how much time I've spent staring up at that thing, listening in total wonder. Amazingly enough, I have never heard the entire song. The arrangement is extraordinarily lengthy and comforting, putting me to sleep long before the conclusion. If the first song is so good, I can't even imagine how great the second track must be. One day I'll stay awake long enough to hear it.

When I want to branch out, I'll cry until my mother picks me up and sings something. Her voice isn't the greatest and she could really benefit from some instrumentation (at least learn to play a tamborine, mom), but I like her stuff. There's an undeniable charm that I can't quite put my finger on. I particularly enjoy the parts where she pauses dramatically and sings my name.

I will literally listen to anything. Advertisements, television show theme songs (also, I love all television shows), children's movie soundtracks, even pop music. Give me all of it. It doesn't have to be good because I'm not really connecting with it in any meaningful way. I am purely driven by the novelty of hearing new things, followed by the comfort of repeating those things a million times.

My current favorite? The jingle from an insurance commercial, capped off with a fart noise that I make by pressing my palms against my mouth and blowing as hard as I can.

Holy crap. I found an artist that resonates with me. I didn't know real music was even a thing, but here it is. How in the world did I passively listen to all that other trash?

Number one priority: Buy all of this artist's albums, posters, shirts, and every magazine that mentions them. Listen to their music every day. Pay close attention to the lyrics, finding passages that totally describe my feelings after thirteen years on Earth. It's okay if those parts are actually clumsy metaphors for doing drugs that I've never even heard of; as long as they seem meaningful at face value, I'm all set.

Time to tentatively branch out. If one artist has given me this much enjoyment, there must be so much more out there waiting for me. I will find it by listening to every act that has been associated with my favorite.

Maybe they toured together, were mentioned in the same article, used the same director for their videos, or played together in a celebrity basketball game during the NBA All-Star weekend.

When this method uncovers new favorites, I will repeat the process. The web of interconnected acts will slowly grow, filling out my library.

It turns out that a lot of my favorite artists have mentioned older bands as major influences. I was skeptical at first, but some of this stuff is good. Like, really good.

My parents' tastes are still terrible, but they inadvertently stumbled upon some of the albums I'm listening to now when they were younger. Of course I'm appreciating this stuff on a far deeper level, which makes it kind of annoying when they make a point of knowing more about the music than I do.

My tastes have now been pretty much locked in. I'm lucky enough to live at the peak of musical creativity. There's so much interesting stuff out there, and I feel like I'm a part of it.

Sadly, some of my favorite bands are breaking up or going in terrible directions. A lot of the acts that have taken their place seem watered down, or are weird for the sake of being weird. There's not a lot of substance in the niches I once inhabited, but at least I'll always have my collection of great albums.

It's time to step away from my comfort zone and take a chance on genres I had never considered. I'm open to anything so long as it's substantial in the way that my favorite music managed to feel.

One third of my life has disappeared. What the hell? I don't have time to find new music. I'm going to die any day now.

Maybe it would be best if I just spent what little time I have left with the comforting sounds of my favorites. I'll start with the artist that first got me interested in music. Yeah, there we go. This has so much depth and genuine emotion. Why don't they make music like this any more? It still sounds so good. Hard to believe it came out, what, like ten...

EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO???

Oh god. I just aged instantly like the German guy at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. I am literally a skeleton with a layer of shriveled skin, long straggly hair and a white suit.

Fuck it. It's Billy Joel's "For The Longest Time" from here on out.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

More Garbage Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.