Hello, everyone. Mayor Wilkins here with another wonderfully fun-filled Comedy Goldmine. Except this week, there's no comedy. Instead, it's horror. It's all about the creeping, crawling horrors which slither through your dreams and make you wake up screaming, your heart pounding, as you swat blindly at things which aren't actually in your room.
Red Queen, a forum member, is a very talented artist. She got to drawing someone's nightmare one night, and decided that she'd like to draw more of them, because I think maybe she's insane. Why someone would willingly think about these things and then give them some sort of semi-physical form is beyond me, but I guess that's beside the point. So Red Queen set off to draw out all sorts of horrific visions for a handful of people, and luckily she didn't break down and claw her own eyes out halfway through, because I got a Goldmine out of her work.
I know you were coming here expecting to laugh at the Comedy Goldmine this week. Well, you're screwed. This week's all about nightmares. This Goldmine contains somewhat disturbing images, so you might not want to look at them if you're at work with a bunch of fundamentalist Christians or you're a total pussy. Otherwise, dive on in.
I have always had night terrors, sleeptalking/walking problems, screaming nightmares, you name it I've had it. I also did one of my most recent nightmares. In it I was working at my parents house when I could hear ominous sounds and the ground shook intermittently. I remember walking into the lounge where my family were all standing solemnly staring up at a large TV which was playing bizarre sepia toned images of melted people and nuclear explosions. Apparently there were nuclear bombs being dropped on Australia and Japan that were so large it was affecting New Zealand. I could feel my stomach dropping ten floors, and then my family (Mum, Dad, younger sister) all turned to face me and raised one arm each to point.
I looked down the hallway and saw radioactive clouds of dust (not sure if thats how it works but hey) rolling lazily in. The booms of falling bombs were getting louder and louder and I frantically tried to shut the windows and plug the bottoms of the doors with towels. The newscaster on TV then started screaming in this inhuman voice and I looked up to see him melt before the screen went to static. The loudest boom then happened and a white wall of intense heat and energy then started moving throughout the house, vaporising everything in its path. It all seemed to happen in slow motion, and I watched as my family seemed to be turned inside out. Just before I woke up I remember being in front of a mirror as the wave of energy passed me and saw myself looking pretty much like this:
A rotting corpse at my kitchen table, dining...
A kid walks up and says "we must go the Devil is coming", the kid is pale and skinny, wearing a green dirty shirt...
I'm driving home at night, down a steep hill leading towards some docks. My brakes give, and I go sailing through a chain link fence into some water. I unroll my window before my car is fully submerged, but I forgot to take my seatbelt off! Starting to panic, I unbuckle and try to climb out the window. The car settles in the black sediment resting on the floor, kicking up a blinding cloud of dust. I climb out of the window, and start kick for the surface. My seatbelt is caught around my leg, holding me down. No matter how hard I kick, it won't come off! I am hysterical...
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.