Since the "TELL me how to wipe my ass" thread a little while back it was only a matter of time really.
Ask/Tell> Tell me how to piss! Seriously!
That's how I go to the bathroom. I've never really used a urinal since I never have to go to the bathroom when I'm not home. When I'm home, I just unzip my pants and let them fall to the floor and voila. Is there some other man etiquette technique that I'm just completely missing here?
How the fuck do you piss without undoing the zipper and either pulling your penis out of the flap in the boxers and pants (very labor intensive) or just dropping your pants/underwear?
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!
Well my mexican neighbors have decided to get a pitbull. This doesn't bother me so much, but what does bother me is that this beast is allowed to walk around without a leash around the outside of my neighbor's house. One time it wandered into my backyard for a little while. Now what I want to know is how dangerous are these animals? Are they as ferocious and violent as the media makes them out to be? If so I will probably tell my neighbor to keep it chained up.
This isn't your typical shitty e/n because I'm not a teenager and I don't have some meaningless problem that can easily be solved by equal doses of whippets and that South Park episode. Yes, that one.
About 30 minutes ago I proposed to my girlfriend of going-on-8-years. Yes, I realize that many of you are still gametes and that you have just learned how to use a mouse and didn't even know that we lived that long as a species.
We met in college as freshmen, and loved slowly blossomed from teenage lust into a 20-something what the fuck do we do now kinship that resembles lust for weekly intervals of 25 minutes. But we've known that marriage was forthcoming for several years now.
In short, she has disowned her parents, so she hasn't talked to them in half a decade. My parents think she is God's gift to me, since she's about as nice as people come and she doesn't hate me.
So now we're 26, she is a (well-paid) nurse, I'm a freelance writer/random job douche, we're renting an apartment, buying a mini cooper in increments and everything is rowed up duckily for matrimony.
Of course, the burden of paying for a wedding that doesn't resemble a fire house bbq lies squarely on our shoulders since her parents are out of the picture. We also don't want to leave the bill with my parents because I have two younger sisters who are chomping at the bit.
Budget in mind, I hand crafted an engagement ring out of a half dollar using the semi-famous blueprint featured on this website http://cleanstream.net/mirrors/coin_ring/ among others.
So, it's not exactly perfect. She has wee hands, and it looks a little big on her. In my own lousy defense...she has told me over and over that she would be satisfied with a literal cracker jack ring.
I thought that she would be blown away by my homemade, not so perfect engagement ring. She was not.
It wasn't that she was pissed, because she's not that kind of person. It was more like she was slightly disappointed. It was like she was expecting more out of life just this one time.
I could immediately tell that she was disappointed and I offered to craft it more to her specifications but she didn't really respond. She just kind of patronized me as nicely as she could. I kind of feel insulted by her disappointment, but I also feel like I let her down. It's difficult, because I really thought that she would have enjoyed the ring.
We've been together forever and seen lots of hard times, so I feel like I can be honest with her, but in this instance I feel like should make things perfect for her, without dragging all of our feelings into the open.
What now, goons...what now?
And btw, my ring doesn't look as nice as the one on the website, and she did say yes to my proposition.
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.