WOW 8600 plants were seized in a drug bust throughout these 3 states! WOW that makes me cry and the news stated that there were to be twice as potent as an average plant but even if it was shwag they were comparing it too wow! I am seriously sobbing in my hand as i type this!
You do oral right? Are you both NAKED (I'm guessing she's the girl that turns all the lights off and leaves her jacket on while she's blowing you)? Do you kind of like, make out and roll around with each other possibly? This is what you need to do.
You need to play "just the tip." It always works. Just The Tip is an awesome game. It can happen a lot of ways, but for you I suggest this route: When you're chomping on her peach and you're jerking on your post-slobbered on member, grab your shaft and try and slide your head up and down her crevice. She might try and squirm and say "what are you doing," and then you say, "just the tip." If you can somehow maneuver your head in line with the canal, you're fucking golden. There's no way she's gonna back off once you've got that raging erection in there.
I've often been in that situation and met with lines like, "but I just met you," or "you don't have a condom on," but once you get that tip in there, you're always golden. Go right now, give it a shot.
I just got fired in a somewhat epic way. What started as a simple joke (although a stupid, tasteless and sick one) culminated in my being fired, labelled a MONSTER, yelled and cursed at and even physically threatened.
So I was working for a software/video-games QA company in Montreal. Pretty laid back place with a mixed up bunch of young people... some really great ones, some crazies, some weirdos and some who were just plain creepy. This really short asian guy for example, his creepiness level was high enough to rival Brian Peppers'. Awkward, never speaks to anyone, carries a foot stool around, had pictures of all the female employees on his computer, brings lolicon figurines to work... I mean, I could recount a hundred anecdotes to illustrate how creepy this guy is, but he's only a small part of the story here so let's just call him Henry and move on.
Well, Henry was fired last week for reasons unknown and a few days ago, as I was walking out the office with a friend, we were discussing this. Eventually, one of the theories I came up with is that he was a pedo child kidnapper. He doesn't really fit the profile but he's still creepy as hell... And then I saw IT, right in front of me: the SUGGESTION BOX!!! A place to write down all my crazy sick thoughts of the moment in total anonymity!
So I grab the pen, check the "complaint" box and write:
name: Henry"Cedrika is in my basement, I grow tired of her whining, lol"
<< Cedrika is a 9yo girl who's gone missing some weeks ago. She's all over the news all the time. If you're offended, I'll understand.
I think they emptied the box 2-3 days later and my "complaint" quickly made its way to the big boss. So I came in today, completely oblivious to what I'd set in motion (in truth, I'd forgotten about it entirely) and went about my daily work... Then the big boss barges into the room, flanked by the chief of security man-hating lesbian, and my heart just ties into a knot because in his hand is a folded piece of paper which I instantly recognize. "What the fuck have I done ?" I tell myself. He starts talking but I'm too shaken to register the words. I can tell he's reading the paper to everyone and looks incredibly pissed. He's also a parent, French and a condescending bastard, so you can imagine how angry he must've been. Well anyway he declared a witch hunt and said that he'd get the cops involved and that the culprit had better come forward blablabla fucking other crazy shit nonsense. They had a couple ways of finding out who did it but I wanted to keep my job so I took my chances and kept my mouth shut.
Well anyway, for the next few hours I could see they were all investigating this pretty seriously so I knew I was pretty much toast. Later on, a general meeting was called by the boss, and an ultimatum was set. I would have to come forward or else he would go through every employee one by one, while EVERYONE ELSE is in the cafeteria, and check their handwriting. Sure I could fake my handwriting but they've got other sources to verify it (tests I've taken, forms, etc) so I thought I pretty much had no choice but to turn myself in.
I went to his office 10 min later and was greeted with a "I knew it was you". He seemed pretty calm but then he immediately started to insult me and grew more and more agitated. I just stood there taking the insults and thinking to myself "How the hell do I formulate a defense against this moron ? How can I begin to explain my "humor" to him ?". Then he said "I should HIT you for what you did" and that kinda snapped me out of my daze. Whoa, hit me ? I mean, I KNOW it was wrong, I KNOW it was unprofessional, I think firing me is overreacting, but if you want to hit me, you're a fucking psycho. We were standing kinda halfway out of his office and all the doors were opened, so about 7 other people could see/hear the scene. I didn't even place a single sentence and he kept going. At one point his teary-eyed wife, who also works there, dragged him in another office... I guess because she thought he really might've hit me. The other few witnesses just looked at me as if I had a huge "MONSTER" brand in the middle of the forehead.
After that I really felt like shit. I thought things couldn't have turned out worse; karma or luck or whatever had failed utterly. Even in my worst case scenario from a few hours earlier I wasn't expecting things to end this badly, and that fact alone bummed me out pretty bad.
I sat down in the HR girl's office to sign some bullshit paperwork that said I was an evil person. I had a minor breakdown then because I was just shocked at how things had snowballed out of proportions. I talked to a few people on the way out and then left. I feel pretty good now though. I'm still a student and it wasn't a particularly good job anyway. Oh well, good luck Cedrika.
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.