Two Worlds posted:
Sorry I couldn't post earlier, I was kinda busy waiting for 5 hours in a bus station, then once I got home I slept from 7am til 3.
Anyway, thanks for the best frickin time of my life guys. Everyone who was with me there at Big Daddy's, I owe my life to you. My first strip club experience was the best one I could have asked for. I was totally in a comfortable and safe atmosphere with friends I knew. I came to Gooncon with the express intention of having an adventure like seeing some boobs or going to a strip club, and that's exactly what happened. When I registered for Gooncon I put down my motto as "Destiny is what you choose it to be" and it's amazing how that motto has come true. Thanks for a great time, guys. I mean it.
By the way, I would like to clarify some things about the little-known events of Sunday night. I went out alone, since no one would go with me, and I figured I would head on down to Big Daddy's again and see if I could get a few more dances. Some kind of 40 year old crackwhore approached me and started laying it on heavy with me, seeing if she couldn't con a visit to the VIP room out of me. I said that I had to go to an ATM to withdraw some money, and asked her to wait. Then I got out of there and swiftly ran away from there as fast as I could.
I wondered around til I got to the side of Bourbon on the other side of St. Louis St, and went to a club called Temptations. As soon as I sat down Crackwhore #2 sat down by me and started fondling me, which was strange seeing as the rest of the strippers couldn't touch you. Long story short, she heavily pressured me to go with her to the VIP room, then finally just pulled me by the hand over there. Yes, I did hand over my debit card, but there really isn't any way in that sort of situation that wouldn't get you forcibly kicked out of that club if you don't pay up. As I later found out, my bank was smart about it and froze my account when they saw a $200 charge to a place called "Daquiri Delights". Thank you, Bank of America, for calling me on my f*cktardedness. I had to make several phone calls, but as of now everything's all worked out, and I have a heck of a story to tell my Christian friends.Cliff Notes version: Don't go to a strip club by yourself. They WILL screw you over for every penny you have. BTW, if anyone has any stealthy cameraphone pictures that they took of Big Daddy's it'd be cool if you posted them or PMed them to me. I plan to bronze them and frame them.
most of these are direct quotes from forum user "Jargon":
at one point after a lapdance he said something along the lines of "there's vaginya on my glasses"
when we were talking to him about how to finger a girl he said "she showed me how to do that. she let me touch it, it felt like play-do"
when we were talking about trimming pubic hair he seemed genuinely grossed out and said "guys don't DO that!" i can only assume he's got a dense forest of pubes :[
jargon said he was at a convention, and he saw a urinal that Stan Lee had signed. trogdork told jargon he should have licked the urine. :[
and when telling us stuff about highschool, he said "high-school girls are sort of an ariel no-no"somehow the topic of how a thread about him would be posted he said "I want TheSwami to write it he's so awesome!" and then "Fragmaster could do a dramatic reenactment of it!"
probably the most defining moment of the whole thing was when he told us how the forces of the world are working against his efforts to get laid, and he said "tonight the whole universe changed, realities were altered. the whole meaning of the universe will change" wtf
we talked about smacking women and he said "I don't hit girls.... unless it's in the butt!"
the stuff about what he did in school was already posted but just in case:"once I said the p...y word in chemistry!"
he told the principal's daughter "i like sex, i like to watch porno"i forgot what prompted this but he said "you still get rape from her"
"When I come I'm going to yell '555 golden manbabies'"
"Voted 5 for orgasm!"
when we were at the strip club he smacked the stripper's ass and he later said "i like seeing it in porn"
when they were giving him sex advice they said "the best person to listen to is her," meaning me, and trogdork replied "oh yeah, she has a virginya!"
"so first i take off my clothes, and then i take off hers?""i like cumshots, i like MILFs, i like watersports" oh man watersports
we went online to try and find porn pictures to better instruct him and he got excited and said "oh man go to comeonmyface.com!!"
he asked "do i want a blowjob?" jargon replied with "that's like asking 'do i want a million dollars?'"
"do real vaginas look like the ones in pornos?" he thought they had surgery to look all long like that. i think it was jargon that said "vaginas are like a box of chocolates"
that's all i wrote, unfortunately he talked a lot faster than i could write, but i do remember some more stuff so i'll write that in a minute and i'm going to go try and scan my vagina picture now
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.