NO YOU ASSHOLES SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS. That's Baron Van Awesome, who not only happens to be the COOLEST guy on the face of the planet (I just went to a blackjack tournament with him a few days ago, he's literally the person you want most to have as a friend) AND he's a daywalker. He walks in the worlds of the nerd and the cool.
He is a nerd, probably one of the biggest nerds I've ever met...but he's also the -ultimate- ladies man. I'm dead serious. he can pick up any chick he wants, no problem.
He has a fucking BATMAN belt buckle. The girls -LOVE- him. He's also very good at giving advise on ladies.
We went down to Niagara Falls on Thursday night to go gamble with another friend at Casino Niagara. We were going around, went to the duty-free shop 'n shit to try to get cheap booze (Damn you Canada Customs). He was chatting up the cashiers, and we almost managed to break customs laws because of his skills...she woulda done it if her supervisor wasn't around.
Then, we went to Wendy's. The poor girl behind the counter looks like she hasn't had a break in hours. He goes up to her. "So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how are you doing today? What? Everyone has a scale, come on." He's one of those dudes that just talking to brightens your day up. I've never heard a mean thing leave his mouth. And smug? If anything, he's the Anti-goon. You know, a genuinely NICE, NORMAL, well-adjusted person!
So, you fucking bastards, find another target. There's enough people on this forms that deserve your scorn but NOT BvA.
(OH and I befriended him at a LANparty, that we've now both been attending for over 6 years on 'n off.)
I'm really fat and I need room to spread my legs to wipe well. I use a handicapped stall when it's available and I occasionally fantasize about what I will say if someone calls me on it. So I'm not officially handicapped but somewhat functionally. I would never dream of taking a handicapped parking space. I'm physically able to walk a few hundred feet but not being able to wipe properly qualifies me for the bathroom, I think. The general public may not understand this but I'm willing to explain it to a judgmental bystander if I must.
Okay, so I just got back from subway, and I ordered my normal sandwich (footlong BMT), and I got it with provolone and mustard and ranch sauce and olives and pickles and banana peppers nad lettuce and onions and tomatoes and also bacon, and an extra large soft drink and 2 choco (thats what i call chocolate) chip cookies, and the cute latino girl behind the counter was trying to look away from my face and also holding back laughs. I realized I had just ordered what my stomach asked for and not what society would deem a sandwich with manners. Why people have to judge sandwich etiquitte is beyond me. Fuck those people. So anyways, my sandwich was apparently very unacceptable because everyone was staring at me when I went to get my soft drink from the fountain.
In a last ditch attempt to save face, I said my soft drink choice out loud while I poured it at the fountain. "Diet coke! I love diet coke because im watching my health!" and I made sure to suck in and lift up my chest harder than normal while I walked out the door.
So basically, I'm looking to start learning how to build a goal-oriented sandwich that shows that I have class and taste, I am tired of my dining habits preventing me from picking up the Ladies. For instance, what is a good kind of bread to start with, and what meat looks the best on it? Any help is appreciated.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.