Two days ago (sunday night) I cried myself to sleep. This girl (I will refer to her as Sarah) I have been obsessed with since 3rd grade threw a birthday party on saturday, it was a pretty casual house party, so people brought friends along, of course I was not invited (no girl would ever invite me to a party), but my friend asked me to come along, and of course I jumped at the opportuinity.
Around an hour into the party, it happened that me and Sarah were alone in the kitchen while others danced and talked in the living room. I was there to get a drink, and when I came in and saw her by the fridge, a deep shocking, sinking feeling almost paralysed me with fear, as I just stood there staring at her for about 5 seconds (I am absolutely TERRIFIED of females, especially Sarah, I had no idea she would be in there alone). When she looked at me I quickly glanced away in shame. After about 10 awkward seconds of me staring at the floor and her standing there awkwardly, she finally spoke.
"Uh, hi, you're frank, right?""No. Francis.""Oh, but it's frank for short, right?""No.""Sorry, I must have you confused with someone else."
I couldn't think of anything to say.
"Want a drink?""Yeah. Thanks.
She handed me a beer.
"I'M STRAIGHT EDGE!!"
I just tried to tell her I was straight edge (and therefore didn't drink), but I was so nervous when she approached me physically that it came out in what sounded like a confontational shout which totally wasn't what I intended.
"Sorry, uh there's a diet pepsi if you like""I don't drink diet soft drinks, they are carginogens.""Oh.."
I couldn't stand the fear of being near her any more, so I scurried away and (again in that nervous shout) blurted out "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" and heard her say "thanks" as I walked back into the living room, up the stairs and into the bathroom where I literally collapsed and started shivering on the floor with fear, tears came from my eyes. After about 5 minutes of just lying there I composed myself and went downstairs again. For the rest of the party I pretty much avoided her and talked with some people I knew.
When me and my friend got back home to my house and played a little PS2 for about half an hour, he left and I said bye. It was at this point I realised he had left his cell phone. As I was about to call him to tell him, it suddenly struck me that he probably had Sarah's number on his phone. I literally sat there for 45 minutes shivering with both anticipation and fear as I saw the number across the screen, begging me to call.
Simple. I'd just call her up, apologise for the awkwardness and ask her if she wanted to get coffee some time. The only problem was this was about the scariest thing imaginable. I felt my body ache with fear as I tried to press the "CALL" button on the cell phone several times but was too scared. I got a disconnecting feeling as if none of this was actually happening to me, like maybe it was all a dream. When I finally got the courage to call, my heart raced as I heard the dial tone.
"Hello?""Hey, sorry about earlier, I was just wondering if you wanted to go out for coffee some time ?(WHAT THE FUCK was I thinking??)""Sorry, who is this calling?"
I (stupidly) hadn't anticipated she would ask who it was. the question caught me totally off guard. I thought of just saying my name, or giving a fake name, or shouting out "your worst fucking nightmare", or avoiding the question, and a host of other ideas over the course of about 5 seconds. I was too stunned to even reply.
Another 5 seconds of silence.
"Are you still there?""Yeah...sorry, I.. it's""Oh, Francis right?I was silent again"Sorry yeah, I - I'm pretty busy lately but maybe- uh I'll call you another time if i get time to go out uh (I could regognize that she had no intention of calling me), what's your number?"I gave her my number."Ok, well bye!""Bye."
As I hung up and put the phone down, the realization of what had just happened hit me like a wrecking ball, I collapsed on the sofa and fell asleep with exaustion. About 5 minutes later I get a call.
"Hello?"A male voice."Is this francis?""Yeah uh who is this?""I'm just calling to give you a friendly warning, stay away from Sarah, okay? She's my girlfriend, and she has no interest in you whatsoever, you're a creep."
The realization and jealousy that she had a boyfriend, coupled with the shock and unexpectedness of this call filled me with rage.
"FUCK YOU YOU MOTHER F-UNCLE FUNK" I stuttered incomprehensibly with rage."Man you're fucked up in the head aren't you. I'm WARNING you, stay away."
He hung up.
I literally let out a massive scream of both sadness jealousy anger and fear that gripped my entire body. I went to bed and got about 2 hours of sleep.
The next (sunday) morning, I got up feeling like absolute shit. As I always do to when I feel terrible, I force myself to walk outside, go to the mall (5 min walk) where there are lots of people, and buy something or run into someone I know. I couldn't find anyone I knew, so I bought a milkshake and walked out the front enterance, where I saw something that made my heart skip.
Sarah and some guy (probably her boyfriend?) walking into the mall. I saw her glance with shock at me and quickly look away trying to make it seem as if she hadn't noticed me. I rushed towards her.
"SARAH!" I shouted
Her boyfriend turned around with shock and saw me.
"ARE YOU FRANCIS?" he asked angrily.
I stood there staring.
"Get out of here man, we don't want anything to do with you, understand?"
"FUCK YOU, THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY!"
As a rage overcameme me, I rushed forward and threw my milkshake as hard as I possibly could at the bastard, totally missing him and tripping over myself in the process. What happened next was the worst feeling I had ever felt.
Sarah stood there laughing at me. The expression on her beautiful face, half disgust half laughter made me feel terrible like I never imagined I could. I hated her guts at that moment.
"YOU CUNT!" I yelled.
Her eyes widened, even her boyfriend looked shocked and the three of us stood there staring for maybe 5 seconds.
"YOU MOTHER FUCKING CUNT!!" I yelled as I rushed at her. She made made me feel so terrible it physically hurt in my stomach. I was about to fucking attack her. I couldn't believe it. It was like some force was controlling me and like I had no control at all. God fucking damn I'm stupid when I'm angry and upset. Before I could reach her, her boyfriend grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me to the ground.
"JUST GET OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKING WEIRDO AND BE THANKFUL I DONT FUCKING KILL YOU!!"
I rushed for him with every ounce of anger and strength in my body and groaned as his fist connected with my tummy, winding and incapacitating me. He stared for a second, as if he hadn't expected me to be so easily beaten, before he and Sarah both ran off in a panic. I knew there was no way I could take him, and that he probably went to go get security. These facts, coupled with my crippling social awkwardness and the fact that people all over were staring at me like some kind of freak caused me to run home, totally defeated, clutching my tummy.
That night I considered suicide. My parents aren't home until next week and I felt an aching loneliness. I never went through with it, but have been left crippled emotionally. I havn't gone to school either today or yesterday. My parents will kill me when they get home. I'm a fucking failure of a human being.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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