Although I was originally planning on introducing myself and making a grand appearance on Sunday, Emily "Integral" Reigel has fallen sick to some alien microbe disease like "Martian Fever" or "Mooninite Mayhem." So thanks to Emily's pain and misery, you're all in Greasnin's house now! Take off your shoes, you're getting mud all over the carpet. I'm Ben "Greasnin" Platt, and I'm the new guy.
So how did I land a job writing for a website dedicated to bringing to light the worst aspects of our culture? What could have possibly traumatized me so much that I'd dedicate my valuable time, time that I could be using to think about breasts, to the Something Awful cause? How about this: I worked at a video store. For three years. You want trauma? I'll give you trauma! At the tender age of fifteen (I mean that in the nostalgic sense, not the perverted sense), I started working at a privately owned video store where the vast bulk of the business was generated by the disproportionally enormous porn section. We're talking thousands upon thousands of tapes, all hardcore.
Not pictured: a crazy badass punk.
I remember my first night of training when a guy came in to return a tape. It said "Zorro" in big letters on the front. "Hey," I said to myself. "I saw 'Zorro'! I don't remember the tape being bright red, but I also don't remember where I am or how I got here, so who am I to say for sure? All I know is, it's time for some employee-customer movie banter!" As I started to speak, I noticed a few other words in very small type, written right above "Zorro". Specifically, "The Erotic Adventures Of". Needless to say, I kept my crazy badass punk mouth closed. So that was Ben's Porn Adventure #1. Ben's Porn Adventure #2, later that night, involved a tape called "Ass, Gas, and the Mystical Glop". I'll repeat that: "Ass, Gas, and the Mystical Glop". And it all went downhill from there.
My store had eighty-seven volumes of "No Dicks Allowed". Believe me, I understand the appeal of lesbian action, but when Volume 86 and Volume 87 are filmed and released in the same week, the production value has to suffer somewhere.
Fact: if Robin Williams was in a movie, even if he was the key grip, that movie has been turned into a porno, with no exceptions. For example, "Snatch Adams", "Good Will Humping", "Good Morning Viet-Knockers", "Wet Dreams May Cum", and "Aladdinside of Me". As we all know, many other fine films and television programs have been turned into porn, as well. For instance, "High Infidelity", "Hairy Pot Her and the Sorcerer's Bone", "Saving Ryan's Privates", "Ally McFeel", and, of course, "The Gaytrix". Is your brain starting to trickle out your ears yet? No? Try this: people actually get paid to come up with these names. Possibly more than you. How about now?
It's always easy to tell the porno newbies from the veterans. Allow me to illustrate my point with this highly fictional conversation between myself and a porno newbie:
Me: "Okay, sir or ma'am. That's 'Operation: Dumbo Drop', 'Air Bud: World Pup', and 'Assgasms 26'. Would you like a bag for these?"
Porno Newbie: (Too quietly to be detected by scientific instruments) " ............. ............... ........... ........... ....... .............. ........... ...... yes."
As opposed to the Porno Veteran:
Me: "Okay, here's your copy of 'Men Can Lactate, Too'."
Porno Veteran: "You're goddamn right they can! I'd do it right now, but I don't know how! So I'll have to settle for watching this filthy porn about it and stroking my penis with my hand, because no woman would touch me! Hoo-ah! Now, gimme my smut! I wanna touch it! I love it - smut, that is! Thank you, Ben, for renting me this grotesque video, chock full o' smut! WOO HOO FOR PORN!"
That's not to imply that all porn renters are men. Many were androgynous. The point is, I could laugh right in the veterans' faces. I wasn't supposed to, but I could. They didn't care. They were just happy that "There's a Black Man in My Wife's Ass" was now available on DVD. All the same, I never laughed in a customer's face for a remarkable period of time. I mean, I'd been going strong for about two solid years, there. Then, a poor, misguided newbie brought up a copy of "I Can't Believe It's Nut Butter." I laughed him out of the store. I later found out he commited suicide. I can't say I felt too sorry for him though, because he probably wouldn't have paid his late fees, anyway.
This past summer, I worked far too many hours for my mental health because I was trying to build up some funds (read: hooker money) before going off to college. I spent an ungodly amount of time shelving tapes in the back room. At ten in the morning, that much porn is not pleasant. Let me dispel the illusion that people who appear in pornos, specifically on the boxes, are all attractive. That is a lie your parents told you to make you feel better about killing Jesus with your sinful ways. In actuality, only a small number of porn stars are even humanoid. The vast majority are nauseating deformed mole-people. I would not be at all surprised if the cast of "Feeders" went on to appear in porn. So here's the scene: it's about 10:30 in the morning. I have two hundred pornographic tapes to put back on the shelves, behind their respective boxes. I am quite literally surrounded by thousands of hideous mutants, all of them showing off their splotchy, malformed breasts full of enough silicone to drown a rhino (who would later go on to star in porn), flashing their gap-toothed smiles which were obviously disfigured in some sort of accident involving copious amounts of acid, hefting their mammoth flab just high enough to display their tick-infested genitalia. Just as it was all coming closer, closer, and closer, something caught my eye! Why, it's an attractive person (on a box, naturally. Attractive people don't actually come to a porn store)! This looked like it was high quality. I picked up the box and turned it over, to take a look at the blurb on the back:
"...chronicles the afterlife of a young pimp shot down in his prime. Given a second chance by the O.G. in the sky, Mac Daddy returns to Earth as an angel... destined to pimp worldly hoes for all of eternity. This is his story, biatch!"
"Biatch?" Moi? Well, I decided to let that slide and turned the box back over to get another look at the gorgeous, if made primarily out of plastic, women on the cover. That was when I noticed the tagline:
"Every Pimp Dies. Not Every Pimp Lives."
Wow. Really makes you think, huh? Next time you see a pimp, give him a hug. He'll stab you, but deep down, he'll know you care. Oh, wait, what's the title of this poignant masterpiece? Ah yes, "Pimped By an Angel 3". How lovel- wait! "Pimped By an Angel 3"? Goddamnit! They took the unsexiest show on television, right below "This Old House", and made it into porn! And what the hell is all this about "3"? You mean there are two more of these?
The reason I cry at night.
Yes, indeed, there are two more. I found "Pimped By an Angel 2" a couple of shelves lower. It featured the same guy who apparently plays "Mac Daddy" in "3", but in the second one he's not wearing his stylin' pimp hat while he shoves his penis up into a woman's intestinal tract. It was at that point that I lost all faith in humanity. Once I thought I found it under the couch, but it turned out to be a sandwich.
Naturally, my store has a large anal sex section. Anal sex videos, not services. Yes, we have anal, and yes, we have young people having horrible, horrible sex with old people. That's to be expected, because humanity generally sucks. That stuff rents with alarming frequency, and to basically every demographic. I got used to it fairly quickly, but nothing, and I mean nothing, could prepare me for the following event. A customer approached me to purchase a DVD, so I took the case from the customer, turned it over, and there it was: "Bust a Nut in Your Granny's Butt Vol. 8" Take a moment to catalogue everything that's wrong with that.
Done? No, you're not, unless you said, "everything." Allow me to show you what I mean:
1. It's anal. That's not the worst thing in the world, but it must be kept in mind.
2. It's relatively young men having anal sex with very. very old, very, very pockmarked women.
3. "Granny". That's right, it's incest.
4. Note the possessive pronoun, "your." You are supposed to fantasize that you are having anal sex with your own grandmother.
5. VOLUME FUCKING EIGHT!
6. IT'S ON DVD.
Guys, next time you masturbate (assuming you're not doing so already), I want you to imagine your penis being enveloped between your grandmother's ass cheeks. And I don't mean your cool grandmother, the one who showed you how to make a bong out of a potato. I'm talking about your sweet, kindly, grandmotherly grandmother. If you achieve orgasm, then you are a terrible human being and should die from the plague. Even if your penis refuses to become erect ever again, you'll want to punish yourself for thinking such thoughts about your grandmother. Go wash your eyes with fire.
I could go on, but, you know, my mom is going to want to read this. I'll bet she's so proud. So you see, while I may be young and inexperienced, I've had more than my fair share of scarring moments in my life. All I want to do is share them with you. Is that so wrong?
Yeah, I guess you're right. It is.
Zack "Gamble Elevators" Parsons here with a guide for this summer's hottest game - Counterstrike - from some guy I don't know! La Parka and Psychosis are two of my favorite luchadors, so just do like I did and imagine that this article was written by high flying luchador Psychosis.
After watching Full Metal Jacket 20 or 30 times, this fine young lad has learned everything there is to know about urban combat. Not only is he a military genius just waiting to be discovered and recruited by the Federal Bureau of Discovering and Recruiting Military Geniuses, but he is benevolent enough to share his foolproof battle plans with the rest of his team, and even inform all the other players whenever their strategies do not meet with his approval. Lucky them!
For those of you out there who are sadsack enough to still be playing this game, this guide should prove helpful and give you a good deal of insight into the fast-paced workaday world of Counterstrike. Head on over and give it a look-see!
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.