People of all ages, ranging from infants to the elderly, are enrolled in College. What is this so called "College"? Where did it come from? When is it leaving? I know many of you are as confused as I am (and those of you who are currently high are probably even more confused). From my experiences, I hope to illuminate the "what to do's" and the "what not to do but do it anyway and say you were 'experimenting'" things of college.

Make sure your buddies take LOTS of photos of you and your friends acting like idiots! There's plenty of websites that would pay money for moments like these!

First and foremost, arrange your classes in the most random and haphazard way possible. For instance, give yourself four-hour long breaks between classes. Have a class at 6 am and one at 9 pm. Make sure your schedule takes up most of your day so you have less time for studying. The less time you spend studying, the more time you can spend partying! It's simple logic like this that helps so many freshmen through their first year, and singlehandedly keeps the liquor industry in business.

Attend all your classes the first few sessions, then skip almost all the rest (you get most of your information within the first few days). The only exception to this rule is your English class, which you should attend religiously every day. Most English teachers have an innate ability to detect your presence, and your grades are largely based on your participation and if he / she / it likes you. Don't bother showing up to any engineering classes, because even if your teacher does notice you, there's no way you can get any grade higher than a "D" unless you're Asian or some kind of magic robot.

When walking from class to class, make sure you walk straight down the middle of the road, even if there is a visible sidewalk. Convoluting traffic and endangering the lives of drivers are included in everyone's syllabus. Also, walk as slowly as you possibly can when going across the street. If you are obese or drunk, it is acceptible to pass out in the middle of the road.

Try to find a coffee shop or restaurant with people of your same interests, such as computers or hacking. Here is an example of how friends may meet each other on campus:

Obese Man 1: "Hello! What is your name? I am known as Lowtax!"
Obese Man 2: "I'm going to freak your firewall!!"
Obese Man 1: "Have fun 'freaking'!!! L33t Haxors forever!"

If you are trying to get lucky and attempting to meet someone of the opposite sex, that's good too! However, you should know that the "rules" have changed during your transition to college. Here is how to tell if you "scored":

First Base: Eye contact.
Second Base: Short verbal communication / acknowledgement of your presence ("hey", "what's up", "who the fuck are you and why are you in my bedroom?", etc etc).
Third Base: Maintaining a steady conversation that lasts up to a sentence.
Home Run: Holding an entire conversation of a paragraph or more without obviously staring at her breasts. If this is not possible, at least try to keep from grabbing them, bouncing them around, or telling her what you have already named them.

I've made it to third base already, with about 76% of the student population! Make sure to let everyone know if you keep hitting "homers" and who you are hitting them with; everyone likes to know who the skanky slut of the moment is.

If the professor asks a question to the entire class, DO NOT ANSWER IT! This is merely a ploy so the professor can become acquainted with your name, after which he / she / it will grade your assignments with much more scrutiny. If anything, start mumbling and hope everyone around you mumbles too. That way the teacher will think you all are saying the answer but just too quietly for him to hear. The best thing to do is to just sit there and hope no one around you answers. Try not to breathe during this silence either; if you have a booger and it makes noise when you breathe, you will be called on. Teachers can also detect fear, excitement, and when you don't know what the hell they're talking about, so expect for them to call on you for roughly 92% of all questions.

If the teacher makes a joke, there are two different ways to react. Here are the wrong and right ways:

Calc Teacher: "Chapter 3 is titled 'Differentiation Rules.' 'Rules' here is used as a noun, not a verb."
Student: (using hands as a megaphone) "YOU SUCK! GET OFF THE STAGE! YOU'RE NOT FUNNY! BOOOOOOOO! SIT DOWN!"

That is obviously the wrong way. Here is the same scenario, handled differently:

Calc Teacher: "Chapter 3 is titled 'Differentiation Rules.' 'Rules' here is used as a noun, not a verb."
Student: "AHAHAHA!!! I JUST PISSED MY FUCKING PANTS OVER THAT HILARIOUS GAG!!! ENCORE, ENCORE!!!"

*Note, these tips can also be applied when you are trying to "score" with the ladies.

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