Chapter One: The Terminology
The following is a collection of many common descriptions used in apartment description guides. We have translated each description to it's "real" meaning, providing a thorough explanation of each phrase.
"Features a unique central heating system and a deck with a fabulous view."
"the convenience is unmatched!" - Apartment complex is situated between Dairy Queen, 7-11, and a Target. Prepare for lots of filthy people passing outside your apartment pushing shopping carts full of NASCAR tubesocks all day.
"the serenity is incredible!" - All other tenants are 100-year old mummies who spend all day decomposing. Playing any kind of music or television show will result in a fine. Walking across your living room later than 10:00 pm will result in Police action. Using a blender or Cuisinart is grounds for an expulsion or death penalty.
"separate clusters of apartment homes are spread out amongst wide-open lawns" - Place is full of overgrown weeds and blades of grass the size of totem poles. Lawn hasn't been mowed since the late 17th century.
"easy access to the highway" - Apartments are along the median of I-70. The sound of passing traffic and honking horns will keep you from ever getting an hour of sleep. You will learn to have conversations by constantly yelling at the top of your lungs.
"several pools and saunas are available for use" - Unfixable leak in the drainage / sewage system ensures a large collection of filthy canals and puddles all across the property. Some of these puddles have been heated thanks to the severed electrical lines which litter the walkway.
"Award-winning architectural design boasts an incredible patio."
"lakefront property available" - The above-mentioned drainage system leak has caused a gigantic swamp to form where apartments C 102 - D 206 previously were. Apartments surrounding the "lakefront property" are equipped with reinforced glass windows to prevent the 500-pound mosquitoes from crashing into the living room and implanting eggs into the owner's children.
"includes a state-of-the-art fitness center" - There are two broken exercise bikes with shattered LED screens inside a barren room. If the complex is truly "upscale", there will also be a television set that only picks up a static-filled PBS and some Spanish channel that features a gameshow where contestants must dress up as the opposite sex and propose to a man in an ape suit.
"features a sand volleyball court" - The place used to be a golf course before they tossed up apartments all over the area. Sand traps were originally converted to glass bottle recycling areas until the owner found a net along the highway. He decided to put it up in order to attract noisy drunk college students who want to play volleyball at 2:00 am and pass out in the "state-of-the-art fitness center".
"apartments are a paradise of luxury and amenities" - There are functioning toilets in most bathrooms. Trees outside provide shade for when the shingles on the roofs fall off or are stolen.
"full of captivating charm" - Apartments haven't been remodeled since the 100 Years War.
"provides six lighted tennis courts" - Courts are fully lighted... in the daytime.
"we provide unparalleled attention to detail and customer service" - Police will show up within three hours of your murder.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
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