The Confused Newbie
The Confused Newbie displays the actions and coherency of somebody who just finished drinking a 12-pack of Shlitz and stumbled into an unmarked room full of nude Satanists. All posts as the Confused Newbie should be somewhat offtopic and adhere to no particular topic or mindset. The only real rule in being the Confused Newbie is that there is no rules. Post whatever comes to your mind whenever it comes to your mind, and then proceed to act shocked if somebody flames you for starting 40 topics an hour and going on and on about God knows what.
EXAMPLES. The Confused Newbie will post the following messages:
Counter-Strike forum: "Hey guys, what other games do you guys play? I play Quake 3 because I love the net code on my 33.3 modem on my mom's computer! Is Counterstrike a game like Quake 3? Will I like it? thanks a lot guys!!!!! "
Star Trek forum: "My friend Maria told me to post here. Maria, are you here? Maria? Hello? Plz reply if you're here! DOES ANYBODY KNOW MARIA HERE? how do i chat on this?"
Honda Civic forum: "What music do u guys listen to? I like Marylyn Manson! I hope u dont like the backstyreet Boys LLOLOLOLOLOLOL "
The Flamethrower Clone
A great choice if you don't have anything of substance to contribute, you really want people's attention, or you simply can't write 10 words without referencing homosexuality / bodily functions. Your posts should vaguely address the subject at hand (copy and paste a random word from the original topic into your post), but it must be cleverly hidden behind a slew of pointless profanities and other remarks which will make you appear to be a rabid 12-year old with Attention Deficit Disorder. Try to flame anybody and everybody; if somebody ever agrees with you, hold off flaming them at least until they post their next message. It's only common courtesy!
EXAMPLES. The Flamethrower Clone will post the following messages:
Counter-Strike forum: "You fucking faggots don't know shit about Counterstrike you puke lapping shitheads. If you did, you retarded idiots would realize the game fucking sucks gay balls you faggot ass queer homosexuals. Go ask mom to buy you a new game, fag shitheads."
Star Trek forum: "Fuck Star Trek, you cocksuckers. All you science fiction geeks are too busy masturbating to 7 of 9 to hold an intelligent conversation, you moronic queer gay fuckers. Go hump a ball for Odo, you stupid queer fags."
Honda Civic forum: "HONDA CIVICS ARE FUCKING GAY CARS FOR QUEERS"
The Computer Expert
Want the world to know how computer savvy and technologically literate you are? Write as the Computer Expert and you'll be cramming information down the throats of the ignorant public! Nothing quite reveals that you have a large penis like the speed of your CPU and how much RAM you have, so be sure to construct an elaborate sig file which lists every single component in your computer case, ranging from what brand / model floppy drive and CPU fan you're using. After all, there's nothing more exciting than reading about somebody else's computer!
EXAMPLES. The Computer Expert will post the following messages:
Counter-Strike forum: "v1.0 runs like shit on my Athlon 800 oced to 1523 with 1028 megs of Mushkin SSDR-DDR-QRAM on an Abit VHS-1100 mobo dual booting Linux Blackhead and a beta of Whistler. I used the v23.182736 alpha drivers for my nVidia GeForce 2 Ultra Maximum Pro and even disabled DNVCD caching and boosted the latency rating to 4.19, but it still didn't work. The game is obviously defective."
Star Trek forum: "Simply put, a replicator cannot work with a cross grid array alignment issue as they suggest. When I built my Athlon 800 oced to 1523 with 1028 megs of Mushkin SSDR-DDR-QRAM on an Abit VHS-1100 mobo dual booting Linux Blackhead and a beta of Whistler, I tried that and the performance on WinBenchMarkProLiteUltraStandardProII dropped 38%. It's technically impossible."
Honda Civic forums: "The mere thought of needing a car, since I never leave my house, is ludicrous. Athlon 800 oced to 1523 with 1028 megs of Mushkin SSDR-DDR-QRAM on an Abit VHS-1100 mobo dual booting Linux Blackhead and a beta of Whistler."
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
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