ANY KIND OF BIRD

Dead, alive, it doesn't really make much difference. It's not like anybody will be able to tell.

People who own birds include:

  • Old women
  • Pirates
  • Confused people
  • Pet store owners

Reasons to own a bird:

I honestly don't know. Birds don't do anything but make terrible screeching noises and crap in your hair. You can't train them to do anything. They, much like your in-laws, just sit around all day and eat and defecate. However, unlike your in-laws, birds eat birdseed. This is the easiest way to determine if the creature in your kitchen is a bird or an in-law. Trap them in a cage and feed them birdseed for two days. If the creature responds by eating the birdseed, it is probably a bird. If it responds by cursing and threatening to run you over in it's 1982 Impala, you can safely say that it's an in-law, and your cage is in fact very, very large.

My family owned a pocket parrot for, jeez, what seems like a greater portion of the last century. The only reason we kept it around is because nobody in the family had the heart to sneak up on it in the cover of night and snap its neck. The bird was pure terror and hated everybody, both real and fictional. It would try to poke your eyes out with its beak. It would attempt to claw at your cheekbones with razor-sharp talons of death. Whenever it seemed to be calm and friendly, that was merely a precursor to the bird taking a dump all over your hand and screeching like a wounded harpie. I'm not really sure why anybody would own a bird unless they've got stock in a birdseed company or really hate themselves.

More Guides

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.