FERRETS

Perfect for all types of psychopaths, ferrets will bring joy into your worthless lives.

People who own ferrets include:

  • Art school students
  • Unemployed art school students
  • Performance artists
  • Really crazy women

Reasons to own a ferret:

You are a sadist and enjoy pain. Although ferrets have been domesticated for thousands of years, they still have an innate desire to burrow. They will want to burrow into anything you own: towels, their cage, the carpet, your bed, your comforter, your ribcage... it doesn't matter, just as long as they can dig. If your ferrets are not allowed the freedom to dig, then they will proceed to bite and chew on anything they can find. Some items that ferrets particularly enjoy chomping on include:

  • Wires
  • Carpet
  • Anything made of cloth
  • Anything not made of cloth (except ferret food)
  • Human flesh
  • Shoelaces
  • Shoes
  • Shoe soles
  • Whatever's inside shoes
  • Your parents
  • Your friends
  • Your family

As you can see by the last three examples, ferrets aren't all that bad.

You like playing "hide and seek." Ferrets are notorious pranksters, and they simply love stealing jewelry, pens, and other items you have failed to manually weld to your table. This is because ferrets, much like Redwood, are obsessed and impressed with anything bright and shiny. While the thought of losing your bottlecap collection to a couple of slinky animals who have decided to drop them down the air vent isn't exactly the greatest thing, it does allow you a lot of leeway to take advantage of your visiting guests. Just picture the situation:

YOUR GUEST: "Well, thanks Jim, I really had a good time sampling that whiskey you brewed in your bathtub. Sorry my vision went out after the second glass." (reaching into pants pocket) "Hey, where are my car keys?"

YOU: "Guess the ferrets must've got them! Those crazy fellahs, I wonder what hilarious hijinx they'll be up to next!"

YOUR GUEST: "Oh. Hmmm. Hey, wait a minute, where's my wallet?!?"

YOU: "Oh those goofy ferrets! Always getting into mischief!"

YOUR GUEST: "Where's my wife?"

YOU: (grave look on your face) "She's the ferrets' wife now, Bob."

Ferrets are a popular pet for people who want to have an "alternative" pet, thanks to their uniqueness and ability to buck all social trends like drinking coffee at Starbucks or using an ironing board. In the materialistic, selfish, capitalistic world, having pets that smell like a stack of soiled diapers is a "strike against 'The Man'," and shows how much of a rebel you are. Of course the people that own ferrets have deluded themselves as to how these creatures smell, and they often rank "ferret stench" up there with seeing Jesus' facial profile in their Burger King breakfast croissant.

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