London is overrun. The mayor has been strung up and things are getting nasty on the badminton court. The 2012 Olympic Fever pandemic is afflicting the world. The only way to treat the disease is with a healthy dose of Olympics. Catch up on your favorite events and find out how to get well with this handy guide to tomorrow's events.
|2:15 AM||Enjoy a Chinese woman winning the gold medal in a sport that doesn't even have a name or defined goal.|
|Slowed by insomnia, it will take you seven to eight seconds to change the channel away from men's beach volleyball.|
|You wake up from a nightmare to fencing and spend several minutes thinking you are watching remorseless battling robots.|
|Watch women yelling at each other in a canoe.|
|Get unexpectedly sucked into badminton and end up furious because of a shady call against your favorites from Guinea-Bissau.|
|Watch men's water polo, depress yourself thinking about the men on the team investing their entire lives in water polo. Depress yourself even further when you realize it's way more than what you have done with your life.|
|Find out how much weight a grunting lady can lift over her head for two seconds.|
|There's a woman from the Thailand table tennis team sitting on the floor and crying while her coach demands an official review of a game-deciding call. Of ping pong. There are adults competing at ping pong. This counts the same as flipping through the air and doing impossible things with your body.|
|A good five minutes straight of Michael Phelps listening to head phones while men discuss his amazing body. Later he will grimace like a confused simian when he falls to third place in "his best event."|
|Drift off to sleep watching men's swimming, wake up to a bunch of dudes sitting in a big hot tub. Convince yourself that you are still asleep and men's synchronized diving is a gay sex dream.|
|Get high and laugh at people falling off the pommel horse.|
|Take a drink every time an NBC announcer mentions "people are speculating" a Chinese swimmer is doping. Finish your drink if the Chinese athlete is actually caught doping.|
|Watch the USA athlete featured in a melodramatic TV commercial lose their event.|
|Al Michaels is talking about field hockey, which is like hockey but with a tennis ball and no skates or fighting or anything else interesting.|
|Somebody mentions Mitt Romney's dressage horse. Time to take another shot.|
|Drunk, barely coherent, confused by the British male gymnastics team, spend the better part of an hour trying to decide whether or not floor routine is a form of wizarding.|
|"He's trained for this since the age of ten." Microwave your dinner and enjoy the emotional gold medal ceremony for men's trampoline.|
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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