Heather: Oh I just had a few too many hard lemonades at Kylie's party last summer and I hit a kid on his bike and was charged with vehicular manslaughter

Heather: I mean wtf was a 11 year old doing riding his bike at like midnight??? come on!

Auron86: omg

Heather: yeah, it sucked big time, they suspended my license and now I can't drive anywhere on my own. I've hated kids ever since.

Auron86: I guess so

Heather: so are you trying to seduce me Auron?

Auron86: u can call me brian

Auron86: and maybe ;P

Auron86: was that true about the kid?

Heather: Unfortunately it is true brian but I moved past it so forget that ancient history

Auron86: its okay we all make mistakes

Heather: Yeah, like filing my teeth

Auron86: what does that mean?

Heather: oh no big whoop y'all, I just filed my teeth down to points for a play I was in

Auron86: didn't that hurt?!?!

Heather: oh yeah a ton and it looks really scary right now if I smile but im gettin them capped

Auron86: do they get cavetes?

Heather: yeah, I got a really bad abscess in my jaw and had to go on anitbiotic and painkillers

Auron86: u ok now?

Heather: all better :D but i am addicted to painkillers now :(

Auron86: i done oxy before

Heather: yeah, it's a lot like oxy

Auron86: maybe we could hook up and do it together baby

Heather: I'd love that but fyi its morphine injections not oxy

Auron86: with a needle???

Heather: of course silly, like Sherlock Holmes

Auron86: maybe not then but you could still try out those skills from the broom handle ;D

Heather: lol you are so dirty, don't you worry about sin?

Auron86: baby im a sinner!!!

Auron86: i dont believe in the bible but if you do thats cool

Heather: I don't believe in Christianity but I am a dragon

Auron86: a dragon?

Heather: Oh yeah, y'all. I am a prismatic dragon from Tothor, an elder male named Surlakk.

Auron86: I thought you said you were a cheerleader

Heather: Definitely I am that too I am a changeling. I am connected to my dragon self by the crystal I wear around my neck and I can take the form of Surlakk when I need it.

Auron86: like do you pick when you change forms?

Heather: Usually, but if I feel like I'm in danger I sometimes change forms

Auron86: that is awesome

Heather: The last time I changed was when that bat bit me on my face

Auron86: lol what

Heather: Bat done got up in our attic and mom made me chase it out with the broom before it turned into an infestation

Auron86: did you get it?

Heather: yeah, I got it alright, right in the face! scratches and bites all over

Auron86: ouch :*(

Heather: hurt more when I realized I was coming down with a case of the rabies

Auron86: did the doctor give u a shot in ur cute butt?

Heather: no the thing with rabies is you got to just ride it out, I'm a couple days away from the worst of it

Auron86: uh well good luck

Heather: you know who jamie lee curtis is?

Auron86: yes

Heather: she's got this thing called testicular feminization and she looks just like a beautiful woman but she has testicles inside her

Heather: I have that same condition, but you can't tell or anything unless you palpate my perineum

******Auron86 has disconnected

Heather: but she's so beautiful!

Heather: didn't you see True Lies?

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Pranks [ICQ]

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.