I occasionally receive IMs from people who ask “why do I have you on my buddy list?” Most of the time I don’t have them on my buddy list, so I have no idea why I am on theirs. I will make up something like “I bought weed from your mom” or “You! You owe me back child support!” and then I never hear from them again. Mission accomplished. In the case of the astonishingly gullible and/or high Ansel89, I had to literally take him to hell to get him to leave me alone.


MURDERCHURCH! Ansel89: hay

Ansel89: yo i am just cleani my buddies list out and i dont kno why u are on her

Ansel89: hello

Ansel89: hey i don't want to just del you so say something

Zack: Greetings Brother

Ansel89: lolo duse why are you on my list???

Zack: From blackest sepulcher of haterapes, I greet you. We are one beneath the compound eyes of Xogoth the Monstrolith.

Ansel89: wtf

Zack: Ansel, I extend my hand of red to you in kinship. You are my brother in MURDERCHURCH.

Ansel89: uhhhhhhhh *shakes hans*

Zack: Greetings Brother!

Ansel89: hi

Zack: I have missed you at our meetings, Ansel.

Ansel89: wtf what meetings

Zack: On that star spun night of dread auspices, you stood before the altar of Xogoth and took the oath to become one with the flock. To join us in malevolent matrimony as a brother of the forever burning MURDERCHURCH.

Ansel89: lol no i didnt

Zack: You did! You drank deeply of the heartsblood. You had a sex with a black cat.

Ansel89: uhhhh

Zack: Do you not remember your vows? To uphold the three pillars of MURDERCHURCH?

Zack: Pillar one: murder the Christians sheep

Zack: Pillar two: partake the unholy sacrament of MURDER

Ansel89: no

Zack: Pillar three: drink blood from MURDERS

Ansel89: wait where are you?

Zack: The unhallowed black heath of Solomor, kissed with hoarfrost from the frozen heart of blackest murder.

Ansel89: lool ok says ilinois in your prof

Zack: It's a suburb of Peoria.

Ansel89: lol

Zack: I can Google Map it if you don't believe me.

Ansel89: no im from indiana but i go drinking in illinois sometimes

Zack: YES! You drink the heartsblood! You quaff the red wine of the innocents! You imbibe the liquid crimson philter of ruin!

Ansel89: lol wtf no keystone

Zack: There were some refreshments before the ceremony. Josh brought a cooler.

Ansel89: wait was this at the fairgrounds

Zack: YES! The forsaken pavilion normally claimed by 4H. We had it from 8PM to the Witching Hour and then it was midnight movies. At ten till midnight, when the darkest shroud of unholy nights gripped the land, we inducted you.

Ansel89: was sal there?

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