Background:Working at Something Awful ensures making and developing relationships with a large amount of people who really, really hate you. This is mainly because I'm a stupid jerk who has a very petty and juvenile sense of humor, but I'm sure it also has something to do with SA. The latest example of this can be seen in the following email transcript between myself and 0Cool, the "director" of PlanetQuake3.net. He began to deluge me with emails and phone calls (yes, he called me) after discovering he was made an "Awful Link", and I helpfully suggested that he was perhaps under the influence of en evil gypsy curse or the Chupacabra. The following emails detail the conversation between both PlanetQuake3.net and SA. For more wacky stories from 0Cool, check out this ICQ log between himself and Hellchick (which is really fucking hilarious, and, like this page, completely true). I almost feel sorry for the guy / kid / spore colony... but then I read the ICQ log and all pity vanishes..

Current Status: Resolved; Leonard Crabs threatened to "kick his ass from here to Gettysburg" (which is ironic because I don't even think Leonard knows where Gettysburg is).

Plaintiff's Webpage: http://www.planetquake3.net/

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

I demand that you take down the post from your site............ If you do not I will be forced to take legal action. I will give you 15 hours.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Thanks for the 15 hour notice, I appreciate it! Please tell me what exactly you plan on taking legal action for, so I can prep my multimillion dollar team of lawyers. Some of them even have managerial positions at the 7-11!

-Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

So, are you going to remove the post?

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

After consulting with my various legal representatives, I have found out that they haven't worked a day since I hired them months ago. They are literally sitting around, doing nothing but whittling and singing folk songs on my back porch. One of them is playing a jug. As a result, I have to give them work in some shape or form to justify the incredibly large fees they are charging me. I believe that your "legal action" towards me would be the perfect case for them to take.

So it is with heartfelt regrets that I must inform you I am unable take down the news post. I have been told by the tech department that it will be off the main page in about four days, so you can slip into a coma or something, wake up four days from now, and pretend that I did in fact take it off the main page. I believe that is an acceptable compromise. Please contact me ASAP with details of your lawsuit, so I may turn off "Momma's Family" and inform my legal team of it.

-Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Ok, I will make a deal. Please take the part of the post that contains examples from the site and the picture. If you want to talk more about it, I will be happy to call you back.


From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

I have spoken with my legal team, who has finished tattooing various colorful slogans on each others' thighs, and they have informed me that I will be able to take down the quotes from your site, but the Chupacabra (for legal purposes) has to stay. They were very adamant about this, and used the phrase "You can't take down the Chupacabra, sissyboy!" many times. So, although the quotes will be taken off, I have been forced to keep the picture up.

In addition, my lawyers have suggested that it might be in my best interests to post the ICQ transcript between you and Hellchick, where you refer to her as an "ugly woman" and a lesbian. They have informed me that is "really bitchin'" and "a kick in the crotch". After reading it, I have to agree.

I hope you find this compromise acceptable.

-Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

OK, is it OK if i call you?

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

While I normally accept phone calls, my cellphone is currently charging (legal head Leonard Crabs ran the battery down last night by calling 1-900 farm numbers for five hours straight) and I am not able to get any incoming calls. He has assured me that this will not happen again. Unfortunately, my phone bill is so high now that I am unable to even get within a 50-foot radius of the telephone, as I will be charged ungodly amounts by the billing company. I must respectfully decline your invitation to chat over the phone and instead suggest that we set up some kind of mail correspondence, much like prison inmates and their penpals who are infatuated with them. I will play the role of the prisoner, and you could be my mail buddy. We can talk about baseball, HBO, and what we can do together once I make bail.

Is this acceptable?

-Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

You are going to be a member of a conference call with the PlanetQuake3 staff.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Nah, I can't make it, there's this important show on TV I've got to watch. It's the one with the bugs that attack the people and light them on fire. Have you seen it? Can you tell me how it ends?

-Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka


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