Background: Heavy metal superstars "Kharibdus" were spotlighted on SA's front page for producing the smash-hit mp3 "Hate". They were described as the following:
What could be better than four white guys jamming their heavy metal guitars and drums to a karaoke machine? How about four white guys jamming their heavy metal guitars to a karaoke machine while one of them screams incomprehensibly and a totally obnoxious clicking / buzzing sound jumps around the track for no readily apparent reason? And they change tempo randomly? And the only words you can make out are "motherfucker"? And they spraypaint colorful designs on their own clothing? I for one can't think of anything, so download the mp3 "Hatefull" from up n' coming rock and roll mega-superstars "Kharibdus" and get ready to rock out like a motherfucker! Metal 4-evah (thanks Abobo)!
They did not seem to enjoy this, so they did the only logical thing: email me with letters full of profanities and legal threats (which, as we know, can solve ANY problem in the US). I would've gladly taken down their link if they would've asked without threatening me with legal action... but I refuse to back down from anybody trying to bullshit me about lawyers and suing and that kind of crap. Why are lawsuits the only solution to every damn problem in America?
Current Status: Resolved; Kharibdus obviously saw some bright, shiny object in the distance and forgot about their legal action.
Plaintiff's Webpage: http://www.tiggershell.net/Music/Kharibdus
From: Dan Mullen
Subject: We are gonna sue you
We as a band Kharibdus really don't aprieciate this fuckin' bullshit. I am gonna personally sue the motherfuckin' shit out of you assholes. For your fuckin information we have alot of fans and your site is just gay. FUCK YOU ASSHOLES. How did you even get a hold of our site. Fuck that it doesn't matter when we fuckin' sue all your dumb asses.
Dan Mullen, Kharibdus
I believe this email started off our "virtual cyber Information Superhighway correspondence" on the wrong foot. I should've maybe explained to him that the way I was able to "get a hold" of their site was because when somebody puts up a webpage on the Internet, other people have the ability to visit it. It's basically the whole purpose of the Internet. Well, I guess it doesn't matter, all that matters is suing people! Oh well, here was my response:
To: Dan Mullen
Subject: Re: We are gonna sue you
We here at SA take lawsuits *very* seriously, and make it our business to respond to every threat of legal action. Our lawyer, Mr. Leonard Crabs, specializes in preventing our "motherfuckin' shit" from being sued by angry heavy metal bands. We, as a website, value our "motherfuckin' shit" very highly, and would hate to see somebody sue it out of us. As a result, we have activated the cryogenic chamber where Mr. Leonard Crabs sleeps in at nights, and we have revived him via a combination of man-made chemical stimulants. Leonard is currently knitting a presentable suit from parachute pants, nylon, hemp, and yarn, so he may wear it to the inevitable trial of "Kharibdus vs. SA's 'motherfuckin' shit'". Mr. Crabs also instructed us to say that he's "Ready to go, nancyboy!" and is "hyped up for some spicy hot legal action!"
I would appreciate a response detailing the specifics of your lawsuit, and what it would take to settle out of court.
-Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka
I thought this response was very friendly and reasonable of myself. I did not resort to foul language, profanity, or suggesting their songs sounded like they were performed by some kind of escaped mental institute patients with access to distortion pedals. Unfortunately, at that point I got a couple emails from another member of their "band", which just ruined my day.
From: Venum X
Subject: Not amused
I'd greet you, but you're not worth it,
I'd like to say that I don't appreciate how you bad mouth our site and our music and numerous other things about us. We don't have to explain ourselves to you or anyone else. Since you're so perfect, how come you can't type every word right? If you are so perfect, why don't you write original songs with three other ppl, be together for less than 3 months, and why try to throw shows together at places where you are forced to clean up the lyrics, not allowed to practice before hand, and almost cancelled at the last minute. I don't know if your site is supposed to be funny, or whatever, but I don't appreciate being on it. Opinions are just that, opinions. If you don't like us, FINE, just leave us alone. You don't like our site, then don't go there. We never did anything to you, so leave us the fuck alone. If we ever get famous, I'll make you very sorry for doing this.
Burn in hell shit head
As far as I know, I did leave the guys alone. I never emailed them, posted on their guestbook, or contacted them in any way. As for the line "If we ever get famous, I'll make you very sorry for doing this," well, I don't think I really need to comment on the obvious irony of that. This letter was shortly followed by the next message:
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Many people love to threaten to sue us. Luckily we have both Leonard "J." Crabs and common sense on our side, thus enabling us to easily defeat such trivialities. Remember - when you're on the Internet, you can threaten to sue for anything!