Dear James-

Does your lawyer work late hours? Because it's 7:26pm here, and I'm on the west coast. Or do you have his home phone number or something? I was just wondering because you usually can't find good, around-the-clock lawyers like that unless they're your friends or something, or he works a night shift at the 7-11 like Leonard does.

Regardless, your reply has confused me greatly. You appear to now be speaking in some kind of cryptic code or perhaps Martian language. "F*CKING"? "p1ssed"? What do these words mean? I'm guessing that "F*CKING" means "AM radio" and "p1ssed" means "non-plussed." If this is indeed the case, I am sorry you are non-plussed about whatever you're talking about regarding my AM radio.

As I mentioned in my previous email, please tell me what I need to do in order to satisfy you and I will do it immediately. I do not enjoy legal threats and I do not enjoy translating your mysterious code you are now writing in. Just give me the word and I will do whatever you say.

Thank you very much,

Richard Kyanka (a VERY HAPPY webmaster!)

Well I thought I made my point very clear there! All I wanted to know was what I needed to do to keep myself from being sued! Why can't he simply tell me? I wasn't nearly prepared for the next barrage of hateful insults that Mr. Doet would unleash upon me!

Dear Rich "Shithead" Kyanka,

How FUCKING stupid are you? You keep asking me what you need to do, and I keep telling you: Remove all contents related to my site, from your shitheap of a website. I also want an apologie from you.


Oh, and one of your fuckheads just emailed me under the guise of John Doet ([email protected]) So you obviously haven't been keeping our correspondence to yourself. BIG mistake!

- James 'I SPEAK MARTIAN CODE" Doet

Woah there! I think ol' James just burst a major artery! Keep it cool man, snag an Otter Pop! You don't want to piss off webmasters, as they've got great saving throws against Nerd Touch. His horrible, hurtful words almost sent me over the deep edge, but once again, Jesus saved me.

Dear James-

Why do you feel the need to resort to profanity? I was raised in a strict Catholic environment, and the Lord frowns upon people like you who use such vulgarities. I simply asked you if your lawyer was still up and what I need to do to satisfy you, but you have answered neither of these questions. Instead, you took the road of a filthy traveler, using language fit for pirates or perhaps dirty sea urchins. I demand you apologize to Christ the Lord immediately for choosing to write such horrible things. Please just answer my original questions and I think both of us will be happy.

What is your lawyer doing up so late, and what do I have to do to keep you from calling him? I asked you these simple questions before, but you decided to say some very hurtful things to me, things which made me fall out of my chair when I read them. As soon as you answer my questions, I will respond to yours.

Please hurry, as I'm going to watch "Assault on Precinct 13" soon.

- Rich "Please do not curse or say hurtful things" Kyanka

Ah, much better. I hope James could understand my point of view and realize how hurtful and horrible those things he wrote were! I think Jesus swept down from the Great Bingo Hall in the Sky and touched James' heart. Now if only James would tell me what I need to do to prevent him from suing me!

Dearest Richard,

As I type, I am choosing my words carefully, as to not offend your 'strict catholic' roots. Now Richard, I simply asked you to remove all contents related to my website from your site. I apologise for using profanities, but these things can make a man VERY angry.

Simply apoligize and remove all contents related to my site, and I will not call my lawyer. I am trying to be pleasent, please acknoledge this and meat my demands.

James Doet

Well that certainly was refreshing! What a jovial and pleasant exchange! I decided to return the favor by being equally jovial and pleasant!

Dear James-

Your email header says "John Doet," so I continually get this urge to type "Dear John" at the beginning of each email. That, in turn, makes me think of the hilarious late 1980's hit sitcom, also titled "Dear John." Do you remember that show? Judd Hirsch was in it as well as Jere Burns, who later went on to star in some made-for-TV show where he was this crazy stalker who chased women with his SUV and went to swim team practices for no good reason.

Anyway, onto your email. Thank you very much for choosing the path of The Holy Lord and deciding not to use the words that make angels weep. I was about to ask you about your lawyer again (since you didn't answer why he's up so late) when I read your sentence that said "meat my demands." That gave me an incredible idea: we should do a TV game show called "Meat My Demands" where contestants have to spin a large wheel and they win various beef prizes, such as a trip to the sirloin slide or a vacation around Alabama in the Pork Copter. What do you think of that idea? We could get a lot of butcher shops to sponsor the show. You could be the announcer, assuming you don't use those filthy, naughty, hurtful words that you wrote before.

How does this sound to you? I know people in the entertainment business, so I think we could definitely get this done.

Thanks a million,

Rich Kyanka

I haven't heard back from him yet... although I get a feeling that I will. Until then though, I declare another victory by default! Onward, my legal stallions, onward to Meat My Demands!

- Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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Many people love to threaten to sue us. Luckily we have both Leonard "J." Crabs and common sense on our side, thus enabling us to easily defeat such trivialities. Remember - when you're on the Internet, you can threaten to sue for anything!

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