They fired off their legal salvo almost immediately, releasing this warhead of impending doom towards Something Awful Headquarters.
We have recently been informed of an article on your website about a future software product of ours titled "Mourning".
It seems that whoever printed this article does not understand what the terms defamation of character , libel or slander mean.
We are requesting you remove this article about our product from your website or you will be hearing from our attorneys by the end of next week for printing slander and attempting to lower the reputation of our future products and company.
Also our copyright work located here:
is to be removed from your servers immediately.
You'd think after running Something Awful for nearly six years, yes, I would understand what the terms "defamation of character, libel or slander" mean. We've never been sued once, so I guess I'm just getting lucky here or something. After receiving this letter, I approached our legal representative, Leonard "J." Crabs, and asked, "dear Leonard, what does 'libel or slander' mean?" He replied, "which one, libel or slander?" and I said, "libel or slander" and he repeated, "which one?" so I repeated, "like I said, I need to know what 'libel or slander' mean." Then he just got up and stormed out of the room, leaving me there to clean up all his used watermelon rinds and shotgun shells. I guess he left because he knew how much hot water we were in thanks to the astute legal professors making up the Limitless Horizons Entertainment LLC staff!
Later that night I consulted with Leonard again, and through a series of comical flag waving and light show displays, he instructed me to send the following letter:
I ran your complex and colorful letter by the Something Awful Legal Team (inc.), and he informed me that not only was your letter "totally completely idiotically something somethingly," but he additionally said it tasted like "really bad fish" when he attempted to eat it. Our legal team then scurried off and began crouching in a dark corner, perhaps to begin summoning up his legal might against the towering powerhouse that is the Limitless Horizons Entertainment LLC behemoth. Or perhaps he was still sore about losing "the one ring" to that short little fellow who came by our house yesterday.
Not only do we intend on fighting your lawsuit in court, we additionally plan on suing ourselves once your lawsuit is invariably thrown out on the grounds that you people are dangerously incompetent in virtually every aspect of life. We plan on suing ourselves for successfully not being successfully sued by you, therefore creating another grievous case of "defamation of character , libel or slander" since our upcoming legal victory over your company will create the public opinion that your company is completely staffed by subterranean mole people who know nothing about the law. You may consider yourself the "head subterranean mole person" if you so desire, or the CEO of Mole People if you're into brevity.
If you do not immediately respond to my demands, I will begin printing even more "defamation of character , libel or slander" against you on my website, one sentence of dangerous 100% grade-A American insults each and every day you do not give me what I want. To make things even more complex, I am not issuing a list of demands, so you will have to contact my friends and family and casually ask, "by the way, do you know what Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka really wants?" Try sneaking the question in when you're on the phone, talking to my mom about cooking pasta; she'll never know what hit her!
Richard "Richard" Kyanka
PS: I just thought of two things you can put on my list of demands. I want a unicorn and a copy of "Big Tyme" by Heavy D. and the Boyz.
Leonard was very adamant about receiving his copy of "Big Tyme." The unicorn was more my idea because, really, who doesn't want a unicorn? Besides the communists, that is. I thought my reply would satiate the growing legal appetite of Limitless Horizons Entertainment LLC., but it turns out I was wrong... DEAD WRONG. This legal boat was cruising down Pain Lane, and there was no way for me to get off! Wait, that sentence makes no sense. Forget I even wrote it.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
Many people love to threaten to sue us. Luckily we have both Leonard "J." Crabs and common sense on our side, thus enabling us to easily defeat such trivialities. Remember - when you're on the Internet, you can threaten to sue for anything!