Background: El Pinto Grande took over the site last Wednesday, detailing his epic adventure of danger, wonder, and mystery (he got drunk and passed out in the back of a wagon). His Awful Link of the Day featured an absolutely insane, horrible, eye-blisteringly terrible website that was evidently designed by detonating plastic explosives inside a paint factory. Of course EPG didn't really say all that, as he quickly went off on a tangent about wrestling or cooking or mansex or something. Nevertheless, this didn't stop the webmaster from threatening us with legal action! God bless America!
Current Status: They stopped writing back. Another victory thanks to default!
Plaintiff's Webpage: http://www.emeraldcityrecordings.com/home.html
From: John Doet
Subject: PLEASE READ ASAP. VERY IMPORTENT - J. Doet
Dear Mr Kyanka,
I am mailing you to express my displeasure at your featuring my website Emerald City Recordings, on your entertainment site, Something Awful on the date of November 14 2001. I was informed of the matter via a friend, who was very distressed to see my website portraid in such a way.
I suggest you remove anything relating to my website, IMMEDIATLEY. You have caused me and my family much grief during this matter. You don't like my site? Well guess what, I don't like yours much either. But these are just opinions, it matters not what one person thinks, but what people as a whole think that matters.
Here is the deal: You remove any content related to my website or I'll see you in court. Unlike the others who's sites you mercilessley mock, I am not afraid to make a stand. You have 24 hours to remove anything related to my website from your site. Otherwise you shall be hearing from my lawyer. And before you think of informing any of your fans, so they can further harrass me, I mean to tell you this: If ANYONE other than you and I see the contents of this message, I will take court action, REGARDLESS of whether you remove all contents related to my site or not.
I expect you to reply IMMEDIATELY.
James Doet (co-Webmaster of ECR)
I have caused "much grief" to not only a webmaster, but the webmaster's obese family! Oh my, that certainly sounds like lawsuit-type material to me. Here comes Leonard to the rescue!
From: Leonard "J." Crabs
Subject: 500 free minutes of cellphone time!!! PLEASE READ!!!
Dear Mr. James "CO-Webmaster of ECR" Doet,
Greetings, my name is Leonard "J." Crabs, the official legal representative for the website Something Awful (hereby referred to as "defendant's website") and Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka (hereby referred to as "defendant"). I was recently forwarded your email expressing your deep distress, grief, emotional damage, and flaccidicular vermissitude in respond to the defendant's website (hereby referred to as "prime liability"). It is my job to look into these matters sent to me by the defendant (hereby referred to as "owner of prime liability") and make sure all parties interested are satisfied to a degree that they could potentially walk up to a person on the street and say, "you know that lawsuit I was in? Well I'm satisfied to a degree about that whole thing!" I have been doing this for over 28 years now, even longer if you count in dog years.
The prime liability (hereby referred to as "tantamount alliteration")expressed no prior notice towards your electronic rights (stated in amendments 582a through, well, something. I seem to have misplaced my Jumbo Legal Advice Book somewhere under the 500 empty cans of Yoo Hoo in my office which some members of the community may call "the bed of a pickup truck" but I respectfully disagree. For example, there is usually hay and dirt and pigs in the back of a pickup truck and if you'll ever visit my office you'll notice there is absolutely no hay anywhere). The tantamount alliteration (hereby referred to as "climatorious post facto") and myself have been in a variety of court capers such as the one you are threatening us with. These past cases include the famous " State of Sudan vs. Richard Kyanka," "Richard Kyanka vs. The Island of Sudan," and "Captain Lou Albano vs. The Haunted Castle." I claimed victory in all of these cases, often performing a colorful "fatality" move on both the opposing lawyer and judge. One time I was in a spacecraft and saw my house!
As I originally stated, your emotional stress concerns me deeply, as I am a practicing hobbyist physician and it pains me to see a fellow human be in such dire straits. Your "emotional blowback" levels seem to be dangerously high, which can result in unnecessary stress, brain tumors, or chest beetles. Do you exercise regularly? If so, you should probably stop. Do you drive a truck? If so, you should purchase one of those bead things that you put on the seat behind you. In addition, increase the amount of chalk and vitamin M in your diet. This will not only decrease your emotional blowback level, but it will also grow hair in the back of your throat and allow you to pass through solid objects after drinking heavily.
Once you have taken my prescribed advice, I would be more than happy to conference with your lawyer regarding your impending lawsuit against the climatorious post facto (hereby referred to as "anabolic parable"). Who, may I ask, is representing you? How tall is he? What's his name? Does he think I'm cute? None of these questions matter much, as all lawyers look the same once I've run them through my 4-Ton Legal Lawyerin' Machine, which I recently upgraded with a level 18c plutonium rod core. Although the Washington State Judge enacted a restraining order explicitly forbidding me from coming within a 500-yard radius of another living entity, I would be more than happy to visit your lawyer in the middle of the night when he falsely believes himself to be safe and secure in his own home. For an
additional fee, I will also check his dog for parasites and paint his deck.
Please respond to myself and anabolic parable (hereby referred to as "Marquee Mark") at your earliest convenience, or even faster if possible.
Thank you very much,
Leonard "J." Crabs
The "J." stands for "good work!"
I thought I had heard the last of that terrifying mess... but then the emails started coming in, fast and furiously.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Many people love to threaten to sue us. Luckily we have both Leonard "J." Crabs and common sense on our side, thus enabling us to easily defeat such trivialities. Remember - when you're on the Internet, you can threaten to sue for anything!