Background: "Rapcore" / heavy metal whiteboys aren't the best group to be made fun of. They're quick to anger, know a lot of curse words, and are full of rage from their cruel lives in the suburbs. When we contracted Dr. Fred Malalavich to write up a psychoanalysis of the hardcore band "SNAFU", we knew we might be asking for trouble. Turns out we were right. Here's a cut from Dr. Fred's article, "SNAFU: A Deeper Look":
As a wise philosopher once said, "you never get a second chance to make a first impression." Now that I think about it, I believe this is actually a quotation from a deodorant commercial and not a phrase muttered by a wise philosopher, unless you consider a man with sweaty armpits to be particularly wise. In any regards, the first impression one is inundated with often makes the most powerful impact in their mind. That said, it is a safe wager to claim that the majority of people who have visited "SNAFU's" site believes they are a nonprofit organization dedicated to the advancement of mentally-disabled child entertainers.
A member of SNAFU, who was somehow intelligent enough to send email, read this and began the legal attack.
Current Status: SNAFU gave up; SA is victorious!
Plaintiff's Webpage: http://www.smdnet.com/ctm/snafu/
Subject: deeper look
OK who ever you are you Have A. Lawsuit coming! You choose to put your opinions of Untrue statements on your site describing the Band Snafu! Which has giving them the time to write a song Containing your website and Bullshit analyst. You can contact me through this screen name! i think what your site said about this Band was untrue and Uncalled for! What business do you have Saying your opinions about Something you do not even know about?????
After receiving this email, I was truly afraid. I naturally assumed that anybody with such a masterful grasp of the English language would have no problem tearing my site up in court. Luckily I remembered I had a secret weapon: Mr. Leonard Crabs, Legal Stealth Ninja Assassin #109.
Subject: Re: deeper look
Dear Mr. SLIPKN5417,
I am sorry to read that you have felt the need to threaten us with a lawsuit. This is indeed an unfortunate occurrence, because our lawyer, Mr. Leonard "J." Crabs, claims to have been preparing for this lawsuit for the following five months. I do not know how this is possible, as we just heard of your band's website about a week ago, but Mr. Crabs has assured us that he has been researching your website for five months. As proof, he showed us a screenshot of a Microsoft Notepad document which was dated in March. Some of us think that he simply doctored the screenshot, as the date was merely crossed out and written over in a completely different colored font, but we have learned to trust Mr. Crabs' judgment ever since the day he brought in a can of gasoline and threatened to "burn the damn place down."
Anyway, on to the matter at hand. According to your email, our website (Something Awful) has "choose to put [our] opinions of Untrue statements on [our] site describing the Band Snafu!" If this is indeed the case, I apologize. We were under the impression that the statements on the SNAFU website were based in truth. You might want to look into getting your PR agent to revise the "Untrue statements" on your webpage. Well, assuming his parole officer lets him use a computer.
"Which has giving them the time to write a song Containing your website and Bullshit analyst." I would love to hear this song. Is it available on 8-track? Mr. Crabs still has an 8-track player in his 1984 Ford truck, and he refuses to listen to anything recorded on the "pansy ass" mp3 or CD format. Does the song make such liberal use of verb tenses as displayed in your email?
"You can contact me through this screen name!" Thank you sir, I will do that.
"i think what your site said about this Band was untrue and Uncalled for!" Well, when we ran the article by Mr. Crabs (who checks all our articles for legality before we print them), he said it was not only "radical" but was "bitchin'" as well. We asked Mr. Crabs if it seemed factual enough, and he said, "sure, whatever" and ran off into the woods. We don't know what he's been doing there, but he's been spending an awful lot of time deep in the forest. One time we saw him burying something too.
"What business do you have Saying your opinions about Something you do not even know about?????" My entire business is "saying my opinions about Something I do not even know about." That's what the description says on my business cards. I had originally attempted to secure a position as somebody who "said their opinions about Something I do know about," but that job was full.
Regardless, I am deeply saddened and dismayed to learn we will be the subject of (another) lawsuit. While I have utter confidence in the ability of Mr. Crabs' legal representation, I am more concerned about the emotional distress Mr. Crabs may cause you at the legal hearing. Upon the successful defense of our last trial, Mr. Crabs jumped up from his seat and shouted, "in your face with a can of mace!" to the plaintiffs. He also subscribed them to a homosexual mailing list the day after (let's keep that between you and I).
If you are still interested in pursuing this further, please feel free to email me regarding the terms and conditions of your lawsuit so I may brief Mr. Crabs accordingly. It might take a while to find where in the woods he's hiding, but that will give us both time to prepare.
-Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka
I didn't expect SNAFU to be able to recover from the initial shock of learning I would be represented by Mr. Leonard Crabs. As you will soon see, they never did.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Many people love to threaten to sue us. Luckily we have both Leonard "J." Crabs and common sense on our side, thus enabling us to easily defeat such trivialities. Remember - when you're on the Internet, you can threaten to sue for anything!