Hell yeah, all in a night's work. Not pictured: some bitch who is gonna falsely incriminate me of a date rape.Ugh. So other than some 211 steel reserves and some cream de meth (some green shit I stole from my grandma on thanksgiving that tastes nasty but will fuck you up pretty good) I have been sober for this christmas. Which means I dont have a thing to cut through all the bitching I am getting from bristol.

Yep. I'm back with her. I only spent a weekend outside the relationship before I decided I needed some laundry done and bristol was like your baby needs you and I was like "what baby? tronk? that baby needs a time machine and a coat hanger" and she started crying. Pshhht. The usual guilt trip bullshit from her, but I'm a sucker for tears on a fat bitch.

And then here to ruin christmas that little fucker I made her pregnant with is gonna be born. Mrs. Palin does not give a fuck either. She hasn't called once because she has been out all busy doing shit to become president again.

I told bristol I was like "bitch, there has never been a woman president and you think they are gonna pick your mom to be the first one? did you see that shit with the turkeys?" and bristol ran into the bathroom crying and slammed the door and I was like "your mom didn't even know africa was a country" and then Turk started making that sound he makes when he wants to eat a bug or whatever and I realized I was locked out of the bathroom and stuck with torq and I got pissed as hell

Mrs. palin didn't notice the blood spraying out of the turkey because she chokes todd's chicken all the time. Ha ha ha!After I fed that little turtle nigga torq his meal worms and bristol came out of the bathroom I gave her the last of my everclear to calm her down and then I started doing her from behind but about halfway through I felt some shit moving around in there and I couldn't stop picturing my dick hitting the baby upside its head. And then that got me thinking what if I bust a nut on my baby's head??? I ain't asked bristol if its a boy or a girl so if it's a dude would that make me gay? Would it turn into a gay baby?

I just couldn't finish up on that shit. I was like, "later!" and I slammed the door to the bathroom and was gonna beat off with that Russian magazine Main Street got me where dudes grab bitches off the street and make them fuck a goat in a van, but then I looked in the toilet and bristol left a huge brown snake in there unflushed. It had been soaking and it swole up like those dinosaur pills that grow a dinosaur so it looked like a catapillar but as soon as I flushed it exploded and was like the worst turd soup you ever seen.

God damn pregnant bitches are nasty after a while. I went back out and told bristol if she ever does that again I don't give a fuck what semester she is in I will roll her ass down the stairs. Then she started complaining about cramps or whatever which is her usual way to dereflect my arguments.

Here's us during happier times. Just imagine her in a tweety bird shirt and sweatpants with her head blowed up like a pumpkin and a shitload of burger king wrappers all over the place. That's us now.Mostly that bitch has been a bug in my ear with all the naming shit. I know I am not professor johnston over here but I have a good head on my shoulders and don't go in for all that Palin family craziness. I am a reasonable Johnston. Bristol and willow are always talking on the phone conspiring about crazy ass names. I tried to shut that shit down but there is no keeping that bitch away from crazy.

She came in last night with a list of names and she was like "if its a boy we name it after guns I like remington and colt" and I was like "bitch my son is not gonna be named smith and wesson." She was unfasered as always and just went on with her girls list. "For girls I like names of rock like diorite and breccia and blah blah blah." She had a bunch of crazy ass rock names I have never heard of. Only fucking rock I know is Nickelback and drowning pool. So I just put my palm on her face and was like "bitch we will name a girl after the sounds the wind makes when it goes through your head WOOOOSH."

And then I gave her a little joking push on the face but she is so mellow dramatic that she fell over and was like THE BABY which is her favorite shit to yell whenever she does her little falling down routine. Fuck all her nonsense if it's a boy Jeb Bush Johnston and if it's a girl Jenna Jameson Johnston. Call her Trip Js.

Anyway, I hope all you faggots reading this shit enjoyed hearing about my misering on christmas. Choke on a dick and die.


From the Desk of Levi Johnston
Female Body Inspector

– Levi "HOckey" Johnston

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About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

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