#3 Jeane Dixon Museum and Library
Famed astrologer and psychic Jeane Dixon once predicted that World War III would begin in 1958, that there would no longer be a pope, and that people would communicate through telepathy. Fortunately, she didn't predict that her museum would be awesome or her perfect record might have a blemish!
When you get to this museum you can forget about psychic crystals and sweet metaphysical gewgaws and get ready for moth-eaten disappointment. The museum contains a bunch of her furniture and a pile of musty old lady crap like ragdolls and those couches that were designed to be placed in a living room as decoration.
The museum boldly predicts, "Visitors will also be intrigued when they view Jeane's handwritten notes in the margins of her book on Nostradamus, who seemed to anticipate the events of September 11, 2001." I predict visitors will be so intrigued they might just demand their five dollars back after looking at a bunch of family pictures someone pulled out of a storage unit.
#2 The Kansas Barbed Wire Museum
Located in a rural building that looks like it would house meetings of some white power group, the Kansas Barbed Wire Museum offers exhibits that tell the story of the history of America's most painful type of fencing.
More interesting than the "over 2000 barbed wire varieties" are the history and tips offered on the museum's website about the barbed wire hobby. "Many collectors offer starter sets that can be purchased for under $25.00. Until you become a serious wire collector, you may want to shy away from the more expensive wires."
If Kansas is too far for you and your family, you can visit The Devil's Rope Museum in McLean, Texas. The two museums opened on the same day and are considered to be rivals by all eight lunatics currently collecting barbed wire.
#1 R-Lucky Star Ranch Farm Museum
Yeah, sure, they have bigger collections in Japan, but they don't bother organizing them. They just pile them up and act like we're supposed to be impressed or something. These wrenches are nailed to a wall!
Not enough to satisfy your lust for expansive collections of agri-bullshit? Good news! They also have the world's largest sugar sack collection.
This is the sort of pulse-pounding excitement we have come to expect from the bestselling author of "The History of Old Time Farm Implement Companies and the Wrenches They Issued." That guy works diligently lest we forget the Patterson 3/16ths Cantilevered Field Wrench manufactured in 1894. Without his efforts we would be up shit creek if we ever had to change the riveted iron wheel of a 19th century coal-fired tractor.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
It is said the Lord did write upon the sky, "Only the Most Awful shall be cataloged herein." And a wind did come and blow away the words and turn them into a skull. And the writers did fall upon their knees and give thanks, for yea, the Most Awful was good. Thus the lists were born. Read them, sons and daughters, and be strong.