Hydrogen: It's true what they say: You really can't trust any movie that has a slide whistle in its soundtrack.
Trillaphon: That goes triple if there's also a clown horn and bubbly synth covers of "La Cucaracha" on infinite loop.
Trillaphon: In case you're confused by this scene, butter-dad and his radioactively not-gay son are doing some bonding by trying out a wondrous new computer program that tells you your clothes look really stupid. This is crucial to the plot of the movie, because question marks.
Hydrogen: Question marks and at least two exclamation points.
Trillaphon: I have to admit, being able to scan articles of clothing by holding a crappy book light up to them is a pretty impressive technical achievement, on par with top-secret algorithms like "wear pants instead of jorts" and "own a shirt with buttons."
Hydrogen: It looks like the dad tried out the program first, but he set the parameters to "if John Madden was a wino."
Trillaphon: At least that's a step up from strutting around in half-buttoned shirts with the old pie-punisher exposed, like he was doing for the first half of the movie.
Hydrogen: He's supposed to be a 32-years-young retired web tycoon, but he looks like he spent most of those years locked in an endless fudge-eating contest with the Grim Reaper.
Trillaphon: His facial hair makes Tony Wonder look solemn and dignified.
Hydrogen: He makes Old Elvis look like Young Elvis.
Trillaphon: Pictures of him in a bathing suit have been approved by the FDA as the world's first and most potent dual-purpose emetic and contraceptive.
Hydrogen: "Cut! Alright, how long did it take the kid to awkwardly fumble around and pick up a shirt? Fifteen seconds? And the camera panned down to his knees for no reason? Close enough, let's pack it up people."
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
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