Hydrogen: It's true what they say: You really can't trust any movie that has a slide whistle in its soundtrack.
Trillaphon: That goes triple if there's also a clown horn and bubbly synth covers of "La Cucaracha" on infinite loop.
Trillaphon: In case you're confused by this scene, butter-dad and his radioactively not-gay son are doing some bonding by trying out a wondrous new computer program that tells you your clothes look really stupid. This is crucial to the plot of the movie, because question marks.
Hydrogen: Question marks and at least two exclamation points.
Trillaphon: I have to admit, being able to scan articles of clothing by holding a crappy book light up to them is a pretty impressive technical achievement, on par with top-secret algorithms like "wear pants instead of jorts" and "own a shirt with buttons."
Hydrogen: It looks like the dad tried out the program first, but he set the parameters to "if John Madden was a wino."
Trillaphon: At least that's a step up from strutting around in half-buttoned shirts with the old pie-punisher exposed, like he was doing for the first half of the movie.
Hydrogen: He's supposed to be a 32-years-young retired web tycoon, but he looks like he spent most of those years locked in an endless fudge-eating contest with the Grim Reaper.
Trillaphon: His facial hair makes Tony Wonder look solemn and dignified.
Hydrogen: He makes Old Elvis look like Young Elvis.
Trillaphon: Pictures of him in a bathing suit have been approved by the FDA as the world's first and most potent dual-purpose emetic and contraceptive.
Hydrogen: "Cut! Alright, how long did it take the kid to awkwardly fumble around and pick up a shirt? Fifteen seconds? And the camera panned down to his knees for no reason? Close enough, let's pack it up people."
We've found some cool stuff in the woods. Now it's time for you to pinkie swear you won't tell mom and dad.
There's a Brainiac. He's not THE Brainiac. However, he's one aspect of Brainiac. Or maybe there's supposed to be a different Brainiac in every universe and they're all cosmically connected, presumably via their brains. Either way, I think this particular Brainiac is the boss Brainiac.
I highly recommend Windows 10 With Mouse + Keyboard Support Edition
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.