When he's not busy not raping women (but strongly considering it) and/or smugly enjoying his obvious superiority over them and/or blowing up bedouininja midgetmancers, Deathstalker enjoys projectile-spewing fountains of yonne ale all over everything and/or one in sight like a dyspeptic volcano full of Cadillac-sized pop rocks. This obviously makes for a better, more well-rounded, and certainly more wackishly charmering lovedable hero to guide us through this torturous 90+ minute barbarian hair helmet butt buffet. This movie is pretty much just one long spit take anyway.
While the original Deathstalker was a nobody's man who liked to do his raping and pillaging solo, the new and unimproved version needs a sidekick to listen to his poor attempts at pithy one-liners. Enter Reena the Seer (no, she's not from some Baldur's Gate side-quest about a magical sentient kidney stone). Reena's main contributions to Deathstalker's holy quest to blow up midgets and kick people in the ninja dick include getting into trouble, being rescued from trouble, and then complaining about getting into trouble and/or the methods by which she is being rescued. She is ably played by bubblehead extraordinaire Monique Gabrielle of Evil Toons fame, who adds "an invigorating dose of smoldering sex appeal" to any movie, at least right up until the point that she actually has to open her mouth or move her face parts in an attempt to act.
Little does D.S. know that the enchanted land he's traveling through is No Country for Swole Men, starring Javier Bardem('s hyperbolically gay evil sword wizard doppelganger). Together with his hench-princess doppelganger and the menacing Witch Queen Milfus Morbada, Team Evil has a pretty formidable lineup. Sadly, their pig-men special forces are grossly underutilized, but they still manage to subject Deathstalker to a deadly mix of James Bond pendulum blade traps, Alice Cooper concert zombie incursions, a wrestling match inside a modern ring with a gigantic woman called "Queen Kong", and of course who can forget the deathphone:
He's actually a very nice guy; usually he only murders minions if they call him collect or drop Canadian coins into the phonebog.
How does it all end, you ask? Why not see for yourself*:
*Note: our cut might have slightly elevated levels of sarcasm, failure, and evil victory than the real movie. On the other hand, our version only wastes 2 minutes of your life instead of the 85 and change the full experience will cost you, so you're welcome.
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TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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