I think this was the villain in Nightmare on Elm Street, too. Ron's dismembered dong wastes no time in getting down to business, skull fucking, buttloving, and impregnating the cast into oblivion in between bouts of the heroes flailing about and squealing. Shy Nerd Guy, using the scientific method of frowning severely and steepling one's fingers together, deduces that the penis is obviously possessed by aliens and needs to get circumcized with an axe.

We don't get to see the dick itself for awhile, just watch its antics through a state-of-the-art "cocksye view" cam. But when we do discover that the murderbeast is essentially a rubber dildo that the actors chuck at each other wantonly, it is nevertheless a magical cinema moment that I will remember for the rest of my miserable life. Hell, it's only half as stupid as Cloverfield.

One Eyed Monster, thank Christ, manages to keep its tantalizing flicking tongue welded to cheek. The death scenes aren't explicit, and despite being sex-related manage to be miraculously less creepy than standard co-How could you not want to see this movie now that I've shown you this?!ed-in-lingerie-penetrates-self-with-own-spilled-intestines fare. The creepiest thing about One Eyed Monster is the guy who builds a high-tech celebrity anus simulator, but seeing as it's the sexless Nerd I'm more inclined to congratulate him for his ingenuity and be thankful he didn't use it to build a motorized foxtaur cock.

Finally, I'm just going to make it clear that I did not enjoy One Eyed Monster on a so-bad-it's-good level. In fact, after a year of doing the goddamn ROM Pit, I'm physically incapable of enjoying anything on that particular level that isn't the destruction of my own mental health. But this movie was actually... pretty good. Hell, parts of it are so good that they're funny, such as the performance of a grizzled vet telling a horrowing story about murdercocks in 'nam. There's something for everyone in One Eyed Monster. You want suspense? Hell yeah we've got a crazy trap involving drenched panties and then some guy gets demonically possessed by a dick up his ass. You want romance? Well look at these two lovers enjoying their tender heartbondwhatever time and then spending eternity wrapped up in semen together. I don't want to spoil the film's tear jerking finale too much, but:

Hot damn, what a climax!

Special Effects0
Music / Sound5

– Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl

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