Hydrogen: "MUMM-RA DEMANDS PRIVACY, AND A CONTAINER OF WET WIPES! CURSE YOU, HE-MAN, AND YOUR CRACKLIN' OAT BRAN!"
Hydrogen: In case you're all wondering if this is supposed to be a mummy or a space alien or some other sort of jerky-colored gremlin, we don't know either. We don't know because nobody fucking knows. It's quite possibly the most vague, generic, and inappropriate monster in movie history.
Trillaphon: Ok, question time: 1) Why does the aliomonstremlinoblinorph thing need to take off his janitor costume and lock it in the closet in order to take a shit?
Hydrogen: Have you ever seen an 800-year old reanimated alien corpse take a dump? He probably needs four hours, an industrial powerwasher, and a squad of Vatican priests to restore the place to working condition once he's done.
Trillaphon: I was not even close to finished. I mean, for starters, 2) Why does he also take his lunch in the shitter? 3) Just what kinds of magazines do unspeakable interdimensional man-eating horror demons read on the can anyway? 4) Why did they put so much makeup on Joe Don Baker for this? 5) Why the extraterrestrial motherfuck is his--
Trillaphon: Ok now that just raises MORE questions, like 6) Why does he hate urinal cakes and soap so much?; 7) Is basic hygiene and sanitation toxic to his people?; 8) If so, why did he choose to become a fucking janitor in the first place? The list goes on and on by the way in case you'd--
Hydrogen: Yes, yes, all great questions, most of which do not need and should not ever have answers.
Hydrogen: Fortunately, thanks to his crafty urinal cake gambit, that nerdy kid is able to escape so he can lure the school bullies back in here and then push a drinking fountain in front of the door, condemning them to certain death at the hands of an unholy space mummy, and then of course grow up to direct this incredible true story about his own life.
Trillaphon: He's like a criminally insane, homicidally sociopathic Harry Potter.
Hydrogen: He's a shoo-in for acceptance to the Zodwarts School of Murder and Mayhem, that's for sure.
Trillaphon: That would be a big upgrade from being stuck in James Fenimore Fakey Fake Memorial Elementary School and Psychological Torture Experiment Alien Mindfuck Bully Extermination Chamber Zone.
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Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.