Trillaphon: This weekend only: FAUST - the laser spectacular!

Hydrogen: If this movie was actually just a compilation of random scenes from other '80s barbarian movies, it would have been a huge improvement. Instead we get Simon the Sissy, Official Royal Bedwetter as our protagonist.

Trillaphon: He's more useless than that snot-nosed little shit from Galgameth. All he has to do is hold on to the ring of ultimate power for ten seconds while wizard Jesus teleports him away to safety, and he fucking drops it. Ten. Seconds.

Hydrogen: Not that it matters, because somehow the forces of evil can't find it just lying around in the exact room they knew it was supposed to be in.

Trillaphon: I will say I like how his wizard-dad's last, dying act was to broadcast his own gruesome death live on PPV magic-vision.

Hydrogen: LIVE FROM RINGSIDE, ENJOY MY DEATH, SON! ONE NIGHT ONLY! JUST 99 DUCATS IF YOU ACT NOW!

Hydrogen: Also, that was the worst Wizard fight since Merlin ate too many of Tom Bombadil's pipeweed brownies and cast magic missile at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. I want my 99 ducats back.

Trillaphon: Let's not lose sight of the real point of this scene, which is that Simon is a little idiot bitch with no redeeming qualities of any kind. Even the most powerful wizards of the age cannot look forward in time far enough to soothsay the dropping of his crystal balls.

Hydrogen: I hope that's deep shame and disappointment his weird furry second dad is expressing there, but who the hell knows because his face is almost entirely melted and he talks like a muzzled golden retriever with a mouthful of extra-chunky peanut butter.

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