Trillaphon: That little demon-monkey thing loves his goddamn job. We could all learn a lesson from Gorbo.
Hydrogen: Gorbo lives for Mondays. And for cocaine, which he is paid solely in. Cocaine and Mondays.
Trillaphon: He's like the anti-Garfield.
Trillaphon: I'm really unimpressed by the evil sorcerer king though. He has to constantly trick the world's most gullible preteen, and he still loses to the ultra-powerful spell of "Cherry Bomb in the Soup Cauldron" and throws a dwarf-disintegrating tantrum.
Hydrogen: One of the cornerstones of magic in the Lost Kingdom seems to be disintegrating dwarves like it's going out of style, for some inscrutable reason.
Trillaphon: What is it with these movies and killing dwarves/midgets? Is it, like, a fetish or something? Or some kind of zany off-the-rails PG-rated magical eugenics experiment?
Trillaphon: Also, where do all these little guys just keep coming from? Is there supposed to be an assembly line or something where elves or robots or elven robots assemble midgets piece-by-piece and then ship them out to the front lines to get exploded by ninja death stars and wizard lasers?
Hydrogen: I'd accuse the writers of breaking the fourth wall when that lady actually says "We're running out of dwarves", but I don't think they have any idea what the fourth wall is.
Trillaphon: That means she actually broke the fifth wall, a feat previously only accomplished by Tom Bombadil accidentally blasting a hole through his cottage roof while masturbating.
Hydrogen: I think union bylaws normally prohibit us from making two Tom Bombadil jokes in one review, but we have to now because I can't live with being the only person stuck with that mental image.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.