As you all should know by now, the fourth annual Gooncon is on the horizon; celebrating five glorious years of pranks, Photoshops, and fart jokes. Even Lowtax himself is gracing this event with his presence, which oddly enough is just a mixture of swamp gas and smog. Since this will be what you could call an "Internet party", the most natural place for such a setting would be a location where you can quickly bury a prostitute in the desert and still have time to get back to town for the buffet. Of course I'm speaking of Las Vegas, the place of dreams and tears. The city itself is a spectacle to behold, with dazzling lights, beeps and whistles, and the sound of change going "jingle jangle" all night long. The most recent hotels built in Vegas are a testament to modern architecture, and it feels like you are taking multiple vacations. You can go to New York, New York, Paris, the Venetian, or even Circus Circus if you want to simulate visiting the 9th level of hell while getting punched in the balls by gnomes.
Besides the city itself, there are many reasons I can't wait to go to Gooncon. There will be non-stop tomfoolery and horseplay with fellow goons to be had, as well as a variety of interesting sexual deviance. I am mostly looking forward to getting a chance to beat up Josh "Livestock" Boruff for making fun of me on the Internet 16 months ago (he called me "period head"), and to tell Zack "Monkeybars" Parsons bedtime stories while he coos and gently falls into a rohypnol induced slumber. These reasons alone are making me as giddy as a piglet in a three-legged race to visit Las Vegas, but there is also so much more to do! Even if Gooncon ends early due to excessive beatings, and I ditch those slobs to peruse the city on my own, it will not be a loss. Let me be your guide for today as I give you 10 good reasons to visit Las Vegas, and also as a bonus, 10 ways to please your man.
The history of Las Vegas can be summed up in one sentence. Crazy handsome gangster leaves New York to start casino in the desert, brings along a sassy broad who takes no guff from wiseguys, drives all the snakes out of Ireland, makes friends with Hollywood types, his casino gets too costly to run, and he gets shot in the eye. Bugsy turned Vegas from a bunch of sawdust casinos with scorpion fighting pits to a high class hangout for swingers and the rich and famous. Of course now it's more like Disney World, except the mother and father are wide-eyed and spending their child's savings on slots, and Goofy had his face sliced open for cheating, but the magic atmosphere is the same. We must give thanks to the great man called Benjamin Siegel for believing the American dream that anything is possible, and for killing a lot of dudes in the process.
The most obvious reason to go to Vegas is to gamble all night long in casinos until they kick you out for publicly crying while laying in a fetal position and burning your lucky troll dolls for their treachery. I'm not a big gambler myself, but I must admit that it's a great sensation to slap $50 on the table and in a few seconds walk away twice as rich. I know that you're probably calling me a big smelly hypocrite for my leniency on gambling after the Life Lessons tirade I had explaining how it can be a compulsive disorder and destroy lives. That's all hogwash. I assure you I have not been paid off by the travel bureau of Las Vegas to compromise my morals with a suitcase full of gambling chips, a new moped, and 2 tickets to see Danny Gans. I can't wait to see Danny Gans.
3. Free DrinksDanny Gans has a delightful smile and a unquenchable craving for infant flesh.
My personal favorite thing about Las Vegas is that you don't have to spend a dime on booze. The casinos just want to get everybody drunk and stupid so they gamble more and forget what they did the next day. Usually I just go up toa nickel slot machine, spend about 20 cents, and nab a free drink from the passing waitress, then move on to a new pasture. If I really do gamble, it's usually the sports book where you throw some money on a game, and then sit in a nice leather chair while the serving girls keep you feeling fine with manhattan on the rocks. They will keep serving you because you are actively gambling just by sitting there for a few hours. This city is fantastic for degenerate alcoholics like me.
4. Danny Gans
Sometimes extraordinary humans are placed on this earth by God for special reasons like Leonardo da Vinci, William Shakespeare, and Adolf Hitler. Danny Gans is one of those special people. He can sing, dance, do impersonations, and resurrect a dead baby deer on the side of the road that had been hit by a car. Sure, it was Danny Gans who swerved his car to hit the little deer, but he delights in the suffering and death of little creatures. Before he started as an entertainer, he was a baseball player on the Kansas City Royals. He would put on shows for all his teammates in the dugout, doing impersonations of famous 30's playwrights and making balloon animals. His sports career would be short-lived because his teammates grew tired of his antics and beat the living shit out of him. He is now the toast of the town in Vegas, and was voted "The 2nd Coming of Christ", usurping Tom Jones from this prestigious title. One day the Armageddon will arrive, and Danny Gans will be on the front lines with an army of angels, ready to fight the good fight for the freedom of our souls. Fun Fact: Danny Gans holds the world eating record for consuming 58 hot dogs in 12 minutes.
5. Hiring escorts to play Axis and Allies with youI have already prepared Livestock's desert grave site. I really hope he likes the flowers because I was worried about that the most when making it.
I have a really hard time getting any of my friends to play the board game Axis and Allies with me. Mainly because I don't have any friends, but even if I did it would be a difficult task. Not only do you need five people to play, but setting up the board and moving the pieces takes hours. By the time you get past the first turn, almost everybody is ready to call it quits, smoke the bong, and watch cartoons instead. When I go to Vegas, I take advantage of the city's legal prostitution and like to hire 4 girls to come to my room for one crazy night. Usually they are confused at my request at first, but when the money is right they'll do anything. The girls had to check with their employer first and he said I had to pay extra cause I'm a "sickie". If you get really lucky, you might be able to get girls of the same ethnicity of the country they will be playing, for realism sakes. The only one I had trouble finding was an English girl, but I just told one of them to use an accent. After a few hours they grew really bored and kept stealing industrial production units when I wasn't looking. One of them recommended we played strip Axis and Allies to spice things up, but I would have none of it. I needed total concentration for my strategy, and no horseplay was allowed. Soon I was the victor with mighty America taking Berlin and Tokyo from the yawning whores and jumped up and down on my bed. Then I asked for a handjob, but they just took the money and left. I think the German girl stole all my tanks.
6. Going out into the desert to take acid and peyote
Last time I visited Las Vegas, the lights and beeps were a little too much for my senses to take, so I rented a car and visited the desolate and isolated deserts surrounding the city. These areas are perfect if you would like to take an introspective spiritual journey into your soul, or bury a prostitute that dared to beat you at Axis and Allies. Peyote can be hard to find, but if you go down by the Indian reservation and throw some cash around, you are bound to end up with some, or something that looks like it but is really silly putty. Many men who go out into the desert to find themselves end up lost, but others come back stronger and convinced they are a god who has defied Satan’s temptations while meditating alone in the rocky nothingness. Personally I get a little bored out there, so I bring my Gameboy and play Dragon Warrior until I get too cold at night and decided to go back to my hotel and into the hot tub. While out there and totally tripping balls, I learned that even if I defeat the slime, I still lose the game, because I am the slime, and so are you. I just blew your mind, dude.
7. Danny Gans
Let me repeat this: Danny Fucking Gans. What don't you understand? The man is a legend. He has more talent in his stool sample than I could ever hope to acquire in a thousand lifetimes. If he was standing in front of me right now I would strangle myself with his shoelaces because I am an unworthy maggot in his presence. Actually, I would so humbled in his perfect form that I would probably just go mad, as if seeing a Lovecraftian Old One towering above me. If Danny Gans, Steve Perry, and Ronnie James Dio ever entered the same room they would create a wormhole that would destroy the universe just because it would be too much awesome in one area. There is even a secret order whose members dedicate their lives to make sure this never happens.
8. Sweating your balls off
I don’t know about you, but I love to just sit in an outdoor patio in 100+ degree weather and have the sweat pour off me in torrents. Sweating is a natural way to cool your body and rid yourself of unwanted toxins. I can just feel the blazing sun roasting my brain inside my scorched skull, and I love it! I like to rotate my head now and then to get the rotisserie effect. Know what else is great? Skin cancer. I can’t get enough of it!
9. Collecting porn advertisements from MexicansHANG ON MR. FRODO!
I know I mention Mexicans a lot, but I assure you I am anything but prejudiced. My loathing knows no bounds of race, creed, or sexual preference. Last time I was in Vegas, countless migrant workers lined the sidewalks on either side of the Strip, slapping pamphlets with crude pornographic ads on them against their legs, and then shoving it in front of you when you walk past, hoping you’ll grab it. At first I tried to ignore the hundreds of them slapping away and ran head first through the paper gauntlet, determined not to soil my virgin hands by touching such filth. But then I had a change of heart and accepted every single one handed to me to see how many I could acquire in three days. The total was astounding, and after donating them to a housing project charity, they now provide the housing for 10 families. I like to give back to the community.
10. Throw the Ring into Mt. Doom
A great evil has awoken which threatens to cloud over this land with an age of darkness. It is up to you to walk into the heart of Las Vegas and throw the ring of power into the Mirage volcano, the place it was forged. Only then will we ever know peace, and we can go back to wresting hogs and smoking pipe weed. I might not be able to carry it for you, but I can carry you! Oh never mind, you’re too fat.
If all of these reasons don't make you want to drop what you're doing and go to Las Vegas today, you are either a communist or even worse, a nerd. I can't wait to go so I can loosen my belt, get totally wasted, and blow a few hundred dollars on a pretty ball spinning around a wheel. That and beating up anybody and everybody that has ever "flamed" me on Internet forums. They are so dead at Gooncon.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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