Power up your Super Saiyan attack with wonderful prizes!A few weeks ago Peter Payne from J-List and myself were sitting in a sushi shop in Little Tokyo here in Chicago eating California rolls off of the sweat-slick belly of a Thai hooker. It was a Tuesday afternoon, as it usually is when Peter and I are eating sushi off the stomach of a naked woman, and Peter was there to discuss how I needed to write more positive hentai reviews to endorse his products. As usual I feigned outrage over such an affront to my journalistic integrity while Peter casually slid an envelope containing bribe money into my hand. After we licked our plates clean of sushi leavings a thought struck me! Instead of accepting bribes to write good reviews of the hentai games J-List sells I could continue to make fun of them and use all of the money he gave me to offer our readers fabulous prizes!
I looked in the envelope and realized that it only contained eight dollars (the approximate value of my journalistic integrity) so I broached the subject of a contest involving J-List here on Something Awful. Peter was livid! He started to storm out of the sushi bar cursing in that adorable mixture of Japanese and English he always uses. Then he realized that a contest might mean more exposure for J-List, and more exposure for J-List might mean more customers, and more customers might mean more money for him to purchase the parts he needs to make a robot wife. Calming his inner Yomi Realm, Peter returned to our Thai hooker table and we sat down to hammer out the specifics. It was an arduous process of bitter negotiations and screaming, but we finally reached an agreement on the first ever not insultingly fake contest to be featured here at Something Awful.
It is with great - almost criminal - pleasure that I bring you, our beloved readers, the first ever 2004 J-List and Something Awful Mega Kawaii Contest Prize Bucks Super-Saiyan Extravaganza! We wanted to make this a fun contest that is open to as many people as possible so we have provided several different ways to enter it. Before we get to the part about the fabulous prizes, let's talk about the fabulous ways you can participate in this contest!
One of the ways to win is by drawing, painting, or even 3D rendering an image. This picture must be original and it must be of one of the following topics:
World War II Germany (bonus points for way awesome tanks)
The Baroness from GI Joe (bonus points for sexy)
Your favorite dinosaur (bonus points for adorable)
Your favorite anime character being killed (bonus points for cute characters meeting gruesome deaths)
I cannot stress enough that this artwork must be original. If any of us or one of the goons finds one of these pictures already posted somewhere else you will not only fail to win, you will burn in eternal agony in the eighth circle of hell.
We know that not everyone is artistically inclined, but almost everyone reading this is capable of stringing words together to form those big blobs of words that can make pretty shapes. This contest will accept both prose and poetry, although rhyming words make me nauseous unless they're part of a hip rap song about not doing drugs so be careful. Your written piece must cover one of the following topics:
El Pinto Grande's sex life
Lowtax and Fragmaster having a picnic
Your favorite dinosaur in World War II Germany
Please try to keep your written entries shorter than two pages as any longer and I probably will fall asleep while judging the 5000000 entries.
We're not leaving all of you talented musicians out of the loop. We invite you to compose a song and record it in the style of your choice on one of the following topics:
Your favorite dinosaur
The Phantom game console
Fire up those instruments and microphones! I am really looking forward to hearing the hot hits sure to top the charts within my heart.
THE FABULOUS PRIZES
Prizes! (Actual prizes not pictured).What would a contest be without prizes?! A really bad contest, I'm sure, but luckily for all of you this contest if loaded with wonderful prize packages from J-List. There are multiple prizes to be won, including a very secret and very special prize for the worst entry submitted.
1st Prize - A one hundred dollar credit at J-List for any merchandise available in their catalog.
2nd Prize - A Hello Kitty vibrator, a collection of kooky Japanese condoms, and "Pink Nipple Cream"
3rd Prize - "Looking for a Japanese Girlfriend" (or "Boyfriend") T-shirt
Super Secret Loser Prize - It's a mystery!
"But Zack, how do you enter?" I'm glad you asked!
Entering the Contest
Include your full name and address along with your entry in an e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org. We will be accepting entries until March 26th and will be announcing the winners of the contest on March 29th. You must be 18 to participate in this contest because of the nature of some of the prizes and we can only accept entries from the United States or Canada. Sorry Burkina Faso! You may enter more than once but be sure to include the correct information with each of your entries. This information will only be used for the purposes of the contest since we hate SPAM even more than you do.
Remember! The deadline is March 26th, you must be 18, include your full name and address, and you must live in the United States or Canada. Send your entries to email@example.com!
Finally, keep all file attachments to your e-mails under two megabytes in size. If you have a larger file, upload it to a server and include a link to the file in your e-mail. We will NOT accept executable files under any circumstances.
Your Band Sucks: Terrible Covers
In this week's edition of Your Band Sucks, Dr. David Thorpe carries on his proud tradition of hating everything and being a big giant jerk by making fun of all your favorite cover tunes. Don't you hate 311's cover of The Cure's "Lovesong"? So does he! Do you turn off the radio every time you hear the opening chords of Pearl Jam's "Last Kiss" cover? This Bud's for you! Have you ever wondered what the connection is between REM and Batman? Wonder no more!
"Pearl Jam has spent the last decade ceaselessly drowning in a musical swamp of hoary, melancholic, traditionalist rock garbage. They made a career out of sounding like Neil Young with a brain-splitting hangover, and managed to write some of the most thoroughly irritating hit singles of the 90s. Their cover of Last Kiss, however, could make even the staunchest Pearl Jam hater drop to his knees and beg to hear “Alive” instead."
Prepare to be ROCKED by a rollercoaster of ROCK! It's another edition of Your Band Sucks!
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all. Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
Old mixed signals feeling a little stale? Try some new ones!
day 2: still working on the car
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.