This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.
A harrowing look into the everyday lives of celebrities, as spotted & cataloged by our on-the-street reporters.
Jessica BielYesterday @ 11 am
Couldn't help but notice the lovely Jessica Biel trying to parallel park her car. She kept messing up and starting over. After about 4 hours she ran out of gas and just abandoned the car, half jutting out into the street like some terrible albatross.
Danny DeVitoYesterday @ 12pm
MMMMMM is all I can say after spotting Danny DeVito. So stubby and rotund, like a buoy or a giant loveable thumb. Wanted to slather him in cocktail sauce and take him home for dinner.
Tim AllenYesterday @ 1pm
Spotted Tim Allen outside the 15th St Quiznos. I immediately looked away in disgust because he is the last person on this earth I want to see.
J. D. SalingerYesterday @ 2pm
Was playing some softball when our ball flew into Old Man Salinger's yard. Started to retrieve it but he came stomping out onto the porch screaming to high heaven. We ran away cursing his name as the hot sun beat down upon our youthful brows.
Richard KindYesterday @ 5pm
Saw Richard Kind cradling a whole ham in his arms on the subway. He was calling it Carol. The ham, I mean. Carol. Very tender.
Matthew BroderickYesterday @ 11pm
Heard a mysterious moaning noise while walking down the street. Followed it to a warehouse and looked through a window. Matthew and six other robed figures were eating a human arm and chanting. Looked to be in good spirits. Wonder where SJP was?
Tobey MaguireToday @ 3am
Seen: Tobey Maguire eating a squirrel in an alleyway. He asked me if I wanted some but I told him no. I'm a proud Vegetarian and I respect my Body and Nature too much.
Wayne BradyToday @ 10am
Saw Wayne Brady - or should I say "Wayne Shady" - outside smoking a cigarette like it was no big deal. Well, Mr. Brady, cigarettes are a leading cause of cancer, and you're a first class buffoon. I saw you, and you owe me and the rest of the world an apology for your actions.
Harvey KeitelToday @ 11am
Ran into Harvey Keitel at Starbucks. Asked him "so you like coffee?" He stared me down with a look that reduced me to a shivering lump of fear and anxiety. As I wept at his feet he responded "no." I then saw he was getting tea and felt pretty dumb.
Philip Seymour HoffmanToday @ 3pm
Spotted PSH milking a goat in Central Park. I asked him what he was doing and he said it was research for a movie role but he was sweating a lot and acting nervous and the goat looked like it didn't want to be there.
Justin TimberlakeToday @ 6pm
GOOD GOLLY! JT is out of control. Saw him hopping around a Safeway naked, bloody, and missing a leg. I'm pretty sure his teeth were gone too! Talk about clean up on aisle 3!
Reginald VelJohnsonToday @ 7pm
Improbable as it may sound, I saw Reginald ValJohnson. When I reached out to touch his milk chocolate skin, he grabbed my hand and pushed me away. He had a mole on his arm. I hope it wasn't melanoma???
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up with all the latest celebrity sightings from New York to LA, and anywhere else the stars shine.