Ever wanted to see pure ignorance solidified into an oozing, tangible lump of squirming stupidity? Look no further, as we have the incredible Andy Smith, who doesn't let worthless things like "facts" get in his way of hard hitting journalistic integrity! Witness the sheer idiocy by reading his chock-full-o-BS article, "Mud sticks", which details his version of my conflict with Express.com (scroll down, it's on the bottom of the page). Here's a dissection of his failed attempt to assemble enough random words together to form an article:
Jabs at Express.com became a regular feature at the site, and despite Kyanka's total failure to provide any proof, his allegations went unquestioned. What he was saying became accepted as truth, and fans of SomethingAwful.com spread the message far and wide.
"Total failure to provide any proof"? How the heck can I prove to everybody that I wasn't paid for over June, July, and August? I talked to a representative at my bank account, but he said that giving everybody my account number, social security number, and access code might not be a "wise" thing to do.... especially with all the hackers these days using Linux and Tarball and Litestep and hula hoops and such. If you really want to see proof that I wasn't paid, click here for the Adobe pdf file that Express.com sent me, detailing all my payments.
At the heart of Kyanka's complaint was his claim that he should have been receiving $2.50 for every thousand adverts shown on SomethingAwful.com. If this had been true then it would have been an unusual contract to say the least, as the industry standard is to pay only for third-party adverts, not "fillers" placed by the advertising company itself.
UGO, one of the largest networks in this genre (if not the largest), pays a flat $2.50 CPM. Of course Andy Smith chooses to ignore this because it doesn't support his conspiracy-filled article. That's okay, Andy Smith, I am not angry at you. I am angry at the company which failed to make your tinfoil hat 100% gamma beam proof, thereby exposing your brain to all the evil government radiation that seeps out of your TV at night. I heard that if you increase your daily intake of chalk, you can keep the alien Men in Black from stealing your pants!
And indeed, it wasn't true. The GameFan contract clearly stated that affiliates would receive "50% of all net revenues" from advertising. In other words, filler ads wouldn't be paid for, which is a perfectly normal and accepted practice. Kyanka denied this in a recent message posted on his site, claiming that Express.com had "failed to mention anything" about the policy.
"They have "contractually fulfilled" all their obligations to myself and my site. When I first signed on, I was simply told that I'd get $2.50 CPM - that is, $2.50 per 1,000 ads served."
In their verbal contract to me (between myself and the Gamefan Network rep), I was told I'd get $2.50 CPM, just like all the other sites were told. Then, on the written contract, they had a clause saying I'd only get 50% of sold inventory. As for "filler ads wouldn't be paid for, which is a perfectly normal and accepted practice", once again Andy Smith seems to ignore the fact that UGO pays all its hosted sites for all in house and filler ads. Bah, who needs facts when Andy Smith's got a keyboard, one free hand, and access to the Internet?
After this remarkably successful one-man smear campaign, Express.com is now seen by many as a company that rips off its affiliates, an image that could harm its current business and any future advertising deals.
If anybody has any doubts about Express.com ripping off its hosted sites, feel free to contact ANY site that was once hosted on their network. I guarantee that you will NEVER hear a positive word about them, because all sites were ripped off. Of course since Andy Smith had already decided I'm the bad guy here, he can't be bothered to do something like that! I mean, what if they say something that contradicts his opinion? He would have to stop writing the article and then find some other use for the fifty-eight seconds he dedicated to researching it!
Kyanka received far more revenue than he was ever entitled to, but continues to claim that he has been "screwed".
I wasn't paid for June, July, and August. That's three months working for a company and NOT GETTING PAID. If that doesn't fit the definition of "screwed", I don't know what does. The months that I was paid, I made this much (total amount and how much I take in after taxes):
March - $1,121.78 (after taxes - $729.16)
April - $3,497.74 (after taxes - $2,273.53)
May - $3,989.41 (after taxes - $2,593.12)
If you'd like, you can download the Adobe PDF file of SA's monthly earnings right here. This shows how much I was paid every month I was on Gamefan, and was sent FROM Gamefan to me. These figures make Andy Smith's next paragraph of lies even more hilarious. Check this out:
Kyanka, who lives in the plush city of Costa Mesa on the Californian coast, now says Express.com has put him "over $3,000 in debt". He had been receiving around $12,000 per month from Express.com but claims to have been left "broke and penniless". He is currently asking for, and receiving, donations from his readers.
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! "Around $12,000 per month!" That's comedic gold, Andy Smith! I think somebody's been pulling too many all-nighters with copies of the Weekly World News, because this article ranks up there with their numerous encounters regarding Bigfoot and Elvis (both of which are based more in truth than anything Andy Smith will ever write). I didn't earn half of $12,000 in all my months COMBINED! Yet Andy Smith, who's content with printing up whatever idiotic, bold-faced lies he can come up with, seems to have no problem claiming something to the contrary. Way to go, Andy Smith! By the way, I heard that the number of cookies that comes in a baker's dozen is AROUND 42 MILLION!
As for me "currently asking for, and receiving, donations from [my] readers," I took off all links to donate money for the server costs and shut down the donation account the day after I set it up. 100% of the donations went towards paying server bills, and not a dime went anywhere else. But hey, writing facts makes stories so banal and boring, I don't blame Andy Smith for choosing to lie here as well. After all, lying seems to be the basis of Andy Smith's journalistic style... it wouldn't make sense to interject the truth here.
So, in summary, Andy Smith once again proves to the world that the Internet does not discriminate against anybody regardless of race, sex, color, or lack of intellect. Yup, Andy Smith's hard hitting style of "new journalism", which can be effectively compared to a kindergartner writing an essay about Cuban Missile Crisis, doesn't require "facts" or "truth" to back it up. Nope, on the Internet these days, what's written is simply the truth and requires no fact checking. I think I'll celebrate Andy Smith's ushering in of a new era by spending some of the $36,000 I apparently earned from Express.com. Andy Smith, please tell me where I can pick the check up for all this cash, because it seems my bank made a series of large financial errors on my part.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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