May 1st
Today is a doubly great day. The swelling has diminished, allowing my legs to dangle over the bed. The ability to sit up makes me feel manly, a very important factor when leading a group of savages. Hired hands did not respect me spending my days in bed.

The other glorious news is in regard to the research. It seems some of my men are currently unearthing a piece of stone littered with pictorial inscriptions, similar to the Egyptian hieroglyphics. The workers seem uninterested due to the lack of gold, but this artifact may be an important key in my research. Hopefully the men will finish unearthing the stone before nightfall.

May 5th
It took the primitive natives three days to unearth the stone, and another two days for the artist to mimic the inscription. I am beginning to doubt the practicality of these savages. The new artifact presents two warriors attacking each other. The death mask and this piece present a society in turmoil, but still no clues on what they were fighting for. An image presenting wealth, religion, or the rulers of this kingdom would be very helpful in deciding what finally lead to their extinction. I can smell the savages sneaking up. I must stop now before they overhear.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.