Lowtax Has Been Hit By a Zamboni!
The dastardly culprit!Sad news today, folks! Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka, our fearless leader, was nearly killed when a zamboni ran him over. Lowtax was polished hard against a sheet of cold, merciless ice. But thankfully he survived! The disastrous incident occurred when Lowtax was visiting Salt Lake City to watch the closing of the Olympics. The mood apparently got to him, as he decided to rush the ice and flash KISS front man Gene Simmons. Unfortunately he jumped right out in front of a monstrous zamboni and suffered massive injuries that will plague him for the rest of his life. The doctors all say that Lowtax will live, but only to endure an endless amount of physical suffering! So hey, that's practically 100% chance of recovery! You can do it big guy! You beat the bus, now beat the zamboni! Hip hip hooray!
From his deathbed, he requested that the show go on and that I have his stereo. His stereo, and his record collection. He's very selfless that way.
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.