This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: March 6, 1981
Subject: Alice Cooper

Listen up, idiots:

I just became aware of this Alice Cooper creep. Apparently this clown is putting on some kind of rock show over at the arena. He's another one of those no-good shocking rockers poisoning America. I don't care for him, his music, his appearance, his attitude or any part of his act. It's disgusting.

If he gets any notion of stepping foot on my property, I'm going to kick his ass. He's not welcome here. As of today, he's banned from the premises.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: March 6, 1981
Subject: Irregular Bathroom Activity

Something's up. I'm not some stooge you can pull a fast one on. I learned every trick in the book from fighting the Viet Cong, and they put all of you to shame. I've got four years of hard data documenting each and every one of your bathroom uses. I know these numbers like the back of my hand, and I know when they stop adding up.

There is a reason I personally decide what is worthy of a flush. There is a reason I have cameras filming you, and we have a shed full of film reels. It is so I can determine your strengths and weaknesses, and what you're truly made of. It is how I am able to run such an efficient company. I am proud of our reputation, and what we bring to the soup industry.

Unless all of you figured out a way to reduce your bathroom usage by 45% in the last day, then there is an illegal toilet on the premises. I don't know where you're leaving your waste, but I expect to find and recover it by the end of the day.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: March 6, 1981
Subject: Horse

Long story short, there is a very angry race horse loose in the building. That's what the commotion is about. Mind your own business.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: March 6, 1981
Subject: All Clear

Horse is dead. Please return to work.

Ðâng Lành and Manuel Rodriguez will remove any soupworthy meat from carcass after dark. None of you better steal any.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: March 6, 1981
Subject: Another Thing

I'm still peeved about this Alice Cooper thinking he can set up shop nearby. This is soup country, and we don't tolerate jackasses like him showing up and raising a ruckus.

If I find out any of you are enjoying Alice Cooper in your own private time, you're in trouble. I pay your salary, which means I am paying for your rent, your car payments and the food you eat. So if you're using my money to fund Alice Cooper's degenerate lifestyle, you and me need to go outside to the parking lot today and settle this like men.

Just to make sure that Alice Cooper and his thugs don't show up, I'm having Ðâng Lành install some traps. Spikes, rolling logs, the usual. By now you should know how not to set them off. If you do trigger any of them, you can expect to be charged for damaging company property, yourself included.

To: Terry Baudoon
Date: March 6, 1981
Subject: Report to the Bathroom

Terry, according to my logs, you're overdue for a bowel movement. This means one of two things, Terry.

1) You're holding it in.

2) You already took care of your business in a secret, unauthorized toilet.

Report to the bathroom. I will be eyeballing your leavings personally to determine whether this is a full load that matches up with projections. If it doesn't, you damn well better name names.

I'm willing to be forgiving here, Terry, but only if you work with me. Ðâng Lành has ways of bringing the truth to light.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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Copyright ©2016 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.